
Class _:1S2M1. 
Book ■- L^ 
()opyiiglit]^° 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 




Charles Follen Adams. 



YAWCOB STRAUSS 



AND OTHER POEMS 



BY 



CHARLES FOLLEN ADAMS 



ILLUSTRATED BY '■'■BOZ" 




BOSTON 
LOTHROP, LEE & SHEPARD CO. 



T^ IOC 3 

.flips' L*^ 

Published, August, 1910. 



Copyright, 1910, by Charles Follbn Adams. 
Entered at Stationer's Hall, London. 



Ail rights reserved. 



YAWCOB STRAUSS. 



CCU268241 






PEEFACE. 



In presenting a complete volume of his poems, the 
author would call attention to the fact that the first 
part of the book, to page 145 inclusive, consists of his 
first collection of poems, with their original illustrations, 
published under the title "Leedle Yawcob Strauss, and 
Other Poems," in 1878. The poems immediately 
following, to page 255 inclusive, comprised the second 
volume, entitled "Dialect Ballads, by Yawcob Strauss," 
published in 1888. The additional poems are those 
that have been written since the latter date. In the 
preface of his first book the author alluded to the 
crudities incident to a writer's first collection of poems, 
particularly when that writer was a business man, 
moving only in the mercantile world. While the 
issue of an abridged edition would, perhaps, at this 

3 



PREFACE. 

time be the wiser course to pursue, the author has 
concluded to present his work, as originally written, 
leaving the reader to cull the wheat from the chaff, if, 
perchance, the wheat may be in evidence. All of the 
illustrations contained in this book are by "Boz" (Mr. 
Morgan J. Sweeney) , to whom the author feels largely 
indebted for his invaluable cooperation. 



Charles Follen Adams. 



July, 1910. 




CONTENTS. 











PAGE 


Yawcob Strauss ....... 11 


A Highly-Colored Romance . 






. 


IG 


To Baby Jade . 










22 


The Puzzled Dutchman . 












27 


L-E-G ox A MuLK 












.30 


Economy 












.33 


Pat's Criticism 












36 


Ravenous Bill . 












41 


Shonny Schwartz 












47 


A Tale of a ISTose . 












50 


To A Dressmaker 












. 53 


Yankee Shrewdness 












. 55 


Logic 












. Gl 


Der Drummer . 












. 63 


Repartee . 












. 68 


Fritz und I 












. 70 


Yaw, Dot Ish So ! 












. 75 



CONTENTS. 



Little Tim's Eevenge 

Dot Baby off Mine 

John Barley-Corn, My Foe 

Hans and Fritz 

Sequel to the " One-Horse Shay 

Prevalent Poetry . 

ZwEi Lager 

A Tough Customer 

Dot Poodle Dog 

Misplaced Sympathy 

VoT I Like und Don'd Like 

The Widow Malone's Pig 

A Trapper's Story 

Johnny Judkins 

The Lost Pet . 

«Ah-Goo" 

Mine Vamily . 

Dot Leedle Loweeza 

"Don't Peel too Big!" 

Mine Moder-in-law 

Der Shpider und der Fly 

Mine Schildhood 

Der Vater-Mill 

Der Oak und der Vine 

6 



CONTENTS. 



Mine SniLDREisr 

Der Deutscher's Maxim 

" Cut, Cut Behind ! " 

A Zoological Romance 

The Young Tramp 

Mother's Doughnuts 

He Didn't Understand 

Roller-Skating 

Thanksgiving . 

The Butcher's Courtship 

My Infundibuliform Hat 

The Little Conqueror . 

Mine Katrine 

Yawcob's Dribulations . 

Vas Marriage a Failure ? 

Der Coming Man 

"No Shildren in der House" 

He Gets Dhere Shust der Same 

Dot Long-Handled Dipper . 

The Tell-Tale Mirror . 

He Took a Header 

Versified Puns 



PAGE 

194 
200 
205 
210 
215 
221 
227 
230 
233 
241 
244 
248 
252 
256 
264 
269 
276 
281 
284 
290 
297 
300 




I somedimes dink I scliall go vild 
Mit soocli a grazy poy." — Page 15. 




YAWCOB STRAUSS. 



I HAF von funny leedle poy, 

Vot gomes schust to mine knee ; 

Der queerest schap, der Greatest rogue, 
As efer you dit see. 

He runs, und schumps, und schmashes dings 
In all barts off der house : 

But vot off dof? he vas mine son, 

Mine leedle Yawcob Strauss. 
11 



YAWCOB STBAUSS. 



He get der measles und der mumbs, 
Und eferyding dot's oudt ; 

He sbills mine glass off lager bier, 
Foots sclmuff indo mine kraut. 




He fills mine pipe mit Limburg cbeese, — 

Dot vas der roughest chouse : 
I'd dake dot vrom no oder poy 

But leedle Yawcob Strauss. 

12 



YA WCOB S TEA USS. 

He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum, 
Uiid cuts mine cane in dwo, 

To make der schticks to beat it mit, 
Mine cracious, dot vas diue ! 




I dinks mine bed ^as schplit abart, 
He kicks oup sooch a touse : 

But nefer mind ; der poys vas few 
Like dot young Yawcob Strauss. 

13 



TAWCOB STRAUSS. 

He asks me questions sooch as dese : 
Who baints mine nose so red? 

Who vas it cuts dot schmoodth blace oudt 
Vrom der hair ubon mine hed? 



Und vhere der plaze goes vrom der lamp 

Vene'er der ghm I douse. 
How gan I all dose dings eggsblain 

To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss'? 

14 



TAWCOB STRAUSS. 

I somedimes dink I schall go vild 

Mit sooch a grazy poy, 
Und vish vonce more I gould haf rest, 

Und beaceful dimes enshoy ; 



But ven he vas ashleep in ped, 

So guiet as a mouse, 
I prays der Lord, " Dake anyding. 

But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss." 

15 



A HIGHLY-COLORED ROMANCE. 



Ben Green was a New-Hampshire boy, 
Who stood full six feet two : 

A jovial chap this same Ben Green, 
Though he had oft been blue. 

He loved a girl named Olive Brown, 

Who lived near Bixby's pond, 

And who, despite her brunette name, 

Was a decided blonde. 
16 



.\^IN 




"A highly-colored romance." 



A HIGHLY-COLORED ROMANCE. 

A pink of rare perfection she, 

The belle of all the town ; 
Though Ben oft wished her Olive Green, 

Instead of Olive Brown. 

And she loved Ben, and said that nought 

Should mar their joy serene ; 
And, when she changed from Olive BrowUs 

'T would surely be to Green. 

She kept her word in-violet. 

And vowed, ere she was wed, 
Although when Brown she had Be(e)n Green. 

When Green she'd be well read. 

But, ah ! her young affections changed 

To Gray, a Southern fellow; 
And Green turned white the news to hear. 

Though first it made him yell, oh ! 

19 



A HIGHLY-COLORED ROMANCE. 

Says he, " How can you lilac this, 
When you vowed to be true ? 

I'll take your fine young lover. Gray, 
And beat him till he's blue." 

Then Olive Brown to crimson turned, 
And said, " Do as you say : 

The country long has wished to see 
' The Blue combined with Gray.' " 

Ben Green to purple turned with rage, 
And black his brow as night ; 

While on the cheek of Olive BroAvn 
The crimson changed to white. 

" O cruel Olive Brown ! " says Ben, 
" I've been dun-brown by you : 

Let this ' Grayback ' his steps retrace, 
And take Greenback, — oh, do ! " 

20 



A HIGHLY-COLOBED ROMANCE. 

Poor Olive Brown, what could she say, 

To sea-Green look so sad 1 
And so she rose, and said to him, 

" I'll go and ask my dad." 

The years rolled by: Ben's raven locks 

For silver did not lack ; 
And Olive, with her hair of gold, 

Was glad she took Greenback. 




21 



TO BARY JADE. 



The boocl is beabig brighdly, love ; 

The sclars are shidig too ; 
While I ab gazig dreabily, 

Add thigkig, love, of you. 
You caddot, oh ! you caddot kdow, 

By darlig, how I biss you — 
(Oh, whadt a fearful cold I've got ! 

Ck-tish-u ! Ck-ck-tish-u !) 

I'b sittig id the arbor, love, 
AVhere you sat by by side, 

Whed od that calb, autubdal dight 
You said you'd be by bride. 

22 




" Ho-ras/i-0 ! — there it is agaid, — 
Ck-thrash-ub ! Ck-ck-tish-u. ! " — page 26. 



TO BABY JADE. 

Oh ! for Wild bobedt to caress 
Add tederly to kiss you ; 

Biidt do ! we're beddy biles apart 
(}lo-rash-o ! Ck-ck-tish-u !) 



This charbig evedig brigs to bide 

The tibe whed first we bet : 
It seebs biidt odly yesterday ; 

I thigk I see you yet. 
Oh! tell me, ab I sdill your owd? 

By hopes — oh, do dot dash tlieb! 
(Codfoud by cold, 'tis gettig worse — 

Ck-tish-ii ! Ck-ck-thrash-eh !) 

Good-by, by darlig Bary Jade ! 

The bid-dight hour is dear ; 
Add it is hardly wise, by love, 

For be to ligger here. 

26 



TO BABY JADE. 

The heavy dews are fallig fast : 
A fod good-dight I wish you. 

Qio-rash-o ! — there it is agaid - 
Ck-thrash-uh ! Ck-ck-tish-w !) 




26 




THE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN. 



I'm a proken-hearted Deutscher, 
Vot's villed mit crief und shame. 

I dells you vot der di'oiiple ish: 
I doosnt knoiv my name. 

27 



THE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN. 

You dinks dis fery vunny, eh % 
Veil you der schtory hear, 

You vill not vonder den so mooch, 
It vas so schtrange und queer. 

Mine nioder had dwo leedle twins ; 

Dey vas me und mine broder : 
Ve lookt so fery mooch ahke, 

No von knew vich vrom toder. 

Von off der poys vas " Yawcob," 
Und " Hans " der oder's name : 

But den it made no tifferent ; 
Ve both got called der same. 

Veil ! von off us got tead, — 
Yaw, Mynheer, dot ish so ! 

But vedder Hans or Yawcob, 
Mine moder she don'd know. 

28 



THE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN. 

Und SO I am in drouples : 
I gan't kit droo mine hed 

Vedder Fm Hans vofs lifing, 
Or Yawcob vot is tead I 




29 




L-E-G ON A MULE. 



Did you hear of the accident, just t'other day, 
That occurred to a youth of the Y. M. C. A. 1 



One mornmg, while walking out with his friend 

Neff,— 
M. W. G. M. of the I. O. O. F.,— 

30 



L-E-G ON A MULE. 

His friend exclaimed suddenly, " Look there, I 

say ! 
There's a chance for the S. F. P. O. C. T. A. ! " 

A " broth of a boy," who was just from a spree, 
Was cruelly beating his m-u-l-e. 

Our hero stepped up to expostulate, when 
The mule kicked his a-b-d-o-m-e-n. 

This doubled him up with a half-muttered phrase. 
As foot No. 2 knocked him e-n-d-ways. 

They bore him home gently, as gently could be. 
And gave him a pint of hot 1-oo-t. 

A voltaic plaster they placed, sans delay. 
Where that treacherous mule left liis m-a-r-k. 

31 



L-E-G ON A MULE. 

A hip dislocated ; a general jar ; 
Striking proofs of " one-mule p-o-w-e-r." 

When the patient first spoke, what d'ye s'pose he 

did say, — 
This model young man of the Y. M. C. A. ? 

Says he, " I'll be b-1-o-w-e-d 

If ever I'll plead for a m-u-l-e ! " 




32 




ECONOMY. 



" There's nothing like economy," 
I heard a chap remark, 

AVho, judging by his tout ensemble^ 
Had issued from the ark, 
33 



ECONOMY. 

He was a most peculiar man, 
With visage wan and thin, 

And hquid drops of amber hue 
A-tricklmg down his chm. 

" They tell us it's extravagant," 
He added with a shrug, 

As he deposited a quid 

Within his spacious " mug," — 

" They tell us it's extravagant. 
This ' chewing of the weed ; ' 

But only use ' economy,' 
You'll never be in need. 

" And this is how to practise it 
Chew your tobacco well. 

Using a little at a time, — 
It nat'rally will swell ; 

34 



ECO^'OMY. 

" Then take the quid and dry it, sir ! " 
'Twas thus the fellow spoke, — 

" And, when }ou want a quiet whiff, 
Put in your pipe, and smoke. 

" And, stranger, after doing this, 

If you are fond of snuff. 
The ashes that are left behind 

AVill serve you well enough. 

" And thus," said this peculiar man 

(I fear he did but joke,) 
" If you will follow my advice, 

It will not end in smoke" 



35 



PAT'S CRITICISM. 



There's a story that's old, 
But good if twice told, 

Of a doctor of limited skill, 

Who cured beast and man 
On the " cold-water plan," 

Without the small help of a pill. 

On his portal of pine 
Hung an elegant sign, 
Depicting a beautiful rill, 




Pat. hu\v is that for a sisn ?" — Page 39. 



PAT'S CRITICISM. 



And a lake where a sprite, 
With apparent dehght, 
Was sporting in sweet dishabUle. 



Pat McCarty one day, 

As he sauntered that way. 

Stood and gazed at that portal of pine ; 
When the doctor with pride 
Stepped up to his side, 

Saying, " Pat, how is that for a sign ? " 



" There's wan thing," says Pat, 

" Ye've lift out o' that, 
"Wliich, be jabers ! is quoite a mistake : 

It's trim, and it's nate ; 

But, to make it complate. 
Ye shud have a foine burd on the lake." 

89 



PAT'S CRITICISM. 

" Ah ! indeed ! pray, then, tell, 

To make it look well. 
What bird do you think it may lack ] " 

Says Pat, " Of the same 

I've forgotten the name, 
But the song that he sings is ' Quack ! quack ! ' 




40 



RAVENOUS BILL 



Oh ! a terrible glutton was " Ravenous Bill," 
Mate of the good ship " Whippoorwill ; " 
And seldom it was he could get his fill; 
A fact he oft would mention. 

And many a time, when eating his beef, 
Would the captain tell him to " take a reef ; 
But to such requests he ever was " deaf," 
This being a bone of contention. 

41 



RAVENOUS BILL. 

He cheated the sailors out of theh prog, 
.Nor left e'en a scrap for the captam's dog : 
He was such a gourmand and terrible " hog," 
That he'd " eat you out of your house." 




He thought no more of a leg of ham, 
A peck of potatoes, and shoulder of lamb, 
With all the "fixin's," — wine, jellies, and jam,- 
Than a cat would think of a mouse. 



42 



BAYENOUS BILL. 

At length, on distant Southern sands 
The vessel was stranded ; and all the hands 
Were captured by some of the savage bands 
Who lived on that foreign coast. 




Poor Bill was taken among the rest, 
And became at once a cannibal's guest ; 
(No pleasant position, it must be confessed. 
To wake up some morning already " di'essed " 
For a native's " fancy roast.") 



43 



RAVEJSrOUS BILL. 

For want of rations Bill had gro^vn thin, 
Nothing, in fact, but bones and skin ; 
And his heathen master (as ugly as sin, 
To find he'd so badly been " taken in") 
Devised a horrible plan. 




To wit: a bamboo cage he'd make, 
And put in Bill, with a monstrous snake 
Called the anaconda, that could easily " take " 
Most any " reasonable " man. 

44 



BAVENOUS BILL. 

At last 'twas finished, — the cage was done ; 
The snake was captured, — a monstrous one : 
The natives assembled to see the " fun," 
And " settle their Bill,'" they said, as a pun, 
Referrhig to the " collation." 




Oiu' hero was thrust into the cage 
Where the snake was coiling itself with rage, 
Eager and waiting its prey to engage, — 
An engaging occupation. 

45 



RAVENOUS BILL. 

As Bill and the snake met face to face, 
He was folded at once in its close embrace ; 
And the natives, thinking he'd " ran his race," 
Began on his fate to ponder ; 




When — what d'ye suppose first met their eyes ? 
As the dust from the scene did slowly rise, 
They found that Bill, to their great surprise. 

Had SWALLOWED THE ANACONDA ! 

4G 



SHONNY SCHWARTZ. 



Haf you seen mine leedle Shonny, — 

Shonny Schwartz, — 

Mit his hair so soft und yellow, 

Und his face so blump und mellow ; 

Sooch a funny leedle fellow, — 

Shonny Schwartz ? 

Efry mornings dot young Shonny — 

Shonny Schwartz — 

Rises mit der preak off day, 

Und does his chores oup righdt avay ; 

For he gan vork so veil as blay, — 

Shonny Schwartz. 

47 



SHONNY SCHWARTZ. 

Mine Katrina says to Shonny, 

" Shonny Schwartz, 
Helb your barents all you gan, 
For dis life vas bud a shban : 
Py und py you'll been a man, 

Shonny Schwartz." 



How I lofes to see dot Shonny — 

Shonny Schwartz 

Vhen he schgampers off to schgool, 

Vhere he alvays minds der rule ! 

For he vas nopody's fool, — 

Shonny Schwartz. 



How I vish dot leedle Shonny — 

Shonny Schwartz 
Could remain von leedle poy, 

48 



SHOJS-NY SCHWARTZ. 

Alvays full off life unci shoy, 
Und dot Time vould not annoy 

Shonny Schwartz ! 

Nefer mindt, mine leedle Shonny, — 

Shonny Schwartz: 
Efry day prings someding new : 
Alvays keep der righdt in view, 
Und baddle, den, your own canoe, 

Shonny Schwartz. 

Keep her in der channel, Shonny, — 
Shonny Schwartz : 

Life's voyich vill pe quickly o'er ; 

Und den ubon dot bedder shore 

Ve'll meet again, to bart no more, 

Shonny Schwartz. 



49 




A TALE OF A NOSE. 



TwAS a hard case, that which happened in Lynn. 
Haven't heard of it, eh ? Well then, to begin, 
There's a Jew down there whom they call " Old 

Mose," 
Who travels about, and buys old clothes. 



60 



A TALE OF A NOSE. 

Now Mose — which the same is short for Moses - 

Had one of the biggest kind of noses : 

It had a sort of an instep in it, 

And he fed it with snuff about once a minute. 



One day he got in a bit of a row 

With a German chap who had kissed his frau, 

And, trying to punch him d la Mace, 

Had his nose cut off close up to his face. 

He picked it up from off the ground, 
And quickly back in its place 'twas bound, 
Keeping the bandage upon his face 
Until it had fauiy healed in place. 

Alas for Mose ! 'Twas a sad mistake 
AVhich he in his haste that day did make ; 
For, to add still more to his bitter cup, 
He found he had placed it ivrong side up. 

51 



A TALE OF A JS^OSE. 

" There's no great loss without some gam ; 
And Moses says, in a jocular vein, 
He arranged it so for taking snufF, 
As he never before could get enough. 

One thmg, by the way, he forgets to add, 
Which makes the arrangement rather bad : 
Although he can take his snuff with ease. 
He has to stand on his head to sneeze ! 




52 




TO A DRESSMAKER. 



Oh ! wherefore bid me leave thy side, 

Dear Polly ? I would ask. 
How can I all my feelings cloak 

When in thy smiles I basque ? 
Nay, " Polly-nay," I cannot go ! 

Oh ! do not stand aloof, 
When of my warm aifection 

You possess, oh, wat-er-proof ! 



TO A DBESSMAKEB. 

Why will you thus my feelings gore 

By sending me away ? 
You know it's wrong, of corset is, 

Thus to forbid my stay. 
It seams as though some fell disease 

Was gnawing at my heart. 
And hem-orrhage would soon ensue 

If we, perchance, should part. 

Then waist the precious time no more, 

But let the parson tie us 
Sew firmly that the marriage-knot 

Shall never be cut bias. 
In peaceful quietude we'll float 

On life's unruffled tide, 
Nor let the bustle of the world 
" Pull-back " as on we glide. 



54 



YANKEE SHREWDNESS. 



In a little country village, 

Not many years ago, 
There lived a real " live Yankee," 

Whom they called " Old Uncle Snow.' 

In trade he had no equal ; 

And storekeepers would say, 
"We're always 'out of pocket' 

When Snow comes round this way.'* 

5,5 



YANKEE SHREWDNESS. 

'Twas the custom of the villagers — 
Few of them bemg rich — 

To trade theu' surplus " garden-sass ' 
For groceries and " sich." 



One store supplied the village 
With goods of every kind, 

Including wines and liquors 
For those that way inclined. 

A counter in the " sample-room " 
Was fixed up very neat ; 

And after every " barter- trade " 
The storekeeper would " treat." 

Old Snow brought in, one morning, 
An egg fresh from the barn, 

And said, " Give me a needle : 
My woman wants to darn." 

56 



,':0^^ ( 




*' Give me another needle, 'Squire; 
This eo;o-'s the same as two! " — Page 60. 



YANKEE SUREWDNESS. 

The trade was made : the storekeeper 

Asked him to take a drmk. 
" I'll humor him," he said, aside, 

As the lookers-on did wink. 

" Don't care, naow, ef I do," says Snow ; 

" And, as your goin' to treat, 
Just put a leetle sugar in, — 

I like my liquor sweet. 

" And, say, while you're about it, — 
Though I don't like to beg, — 

'T^vill taste a leetle better 
If you ch'op in an egg." 

" All right, friend," says tlie grocer, 

Now being fairly " caught," 
And dropped into the tumbler 

The egg that Snow had brought ! 

59 



YANKEE SHBEWDJSfESS. 

The egg contained a double yolk. 

Says Snow, "Here, this won't do 
Give me another needle, 'Squire ; 

This egg's the same as two ! " 




60 



LOGIC. 



'Tis strange, but true, that a common cat 
Has got ten tails, — just think of that ! 

Don't see it, ehl The fact is plain: 
To prove it so I rise t'explain. 

We say a cat has but one tail : 
Behold how logic lifts the veil ! 

No cat has nine tails : don't you see 
One cat has one tail more than she ] 

61 



LOGIC. 

Now add the one tail to the nine, 
You'll find a full ten-tailed feline. 

As Holmes has said, in his " One-Horsfe Shay," 
Logic is logic ; that's all I say. 




62 




DER DRUMMER. 



Who puts oiip at der pest hotel, 
Und dakes his oysders on der schell, 
Und mit der frauleins cuts a schwell ? 
Der drummer. 

63 



BER DRUMMER. 

Who vas it gomes indo mine schtore, 
Drows down his pundles on der vloor, 
Und nefer schtops to shut der door ? 
Der drummer. 




FV«^^- 



Who dakes me py der handt, und say, 
" Hans Pfeiffer, how you vas to-day ] " 
Und goes for peesness righdt avay? 
Der drummer. 

64 



DEB DEU2I21ER. 

Who shpreads his zamples in a trice, 
Unci dells me, " Look, und see how nice " ? 
Und says I gets " der bottom price " ? 
Der di'ummer. 




Who dells how sheap der goots vas bought, 
Mooch less as vot I gould imbort, 
But lets dem go as he vas " short " 1 
Der drummer. 

65 



DER DBUMMER. 

Who says der tings vas eggstra vine, — 
" Vrom Sharmany, ubon der Rhine," — 
Und sheats me den dimes oudt off nine 1 
Der drummer. 




Who varrants all der goots to suit 
Der gustomers ubon his route, 
Und ven dey gomes dey vas no goot ? 
Der drummer. 

66 



DER DRUMMER. 

Who gomes aroiindt ven I been oudt, 
Drinks oup mine bier, and eats mine kraut, 
Und kiss Katrina in der mout'? 
Der di'ummer. 




.^^^ 



Who, ven he gomes again dis vay, 
Vill hear vot Pfeiffer has to say, 
Und mit a plack eye goes avay ? 
Der drummer. 

67 



^'^'ix. 




REPARTEE. 



O^E Mr. B- 



A joker he, 
AVhile in a jovial mood, 

Tried to explain 

To neighbor N 

A joke which he thought good. 

68 



BEPABTEE. 

His hearer, NefF, 

Was very deaf, 
And couldn't catch the joke ; 

Whereat B smiled, 

Though slightly "riled," 
And thus to him he spoke : - 

" 'Tis plain to me 

As A B C, 
My dear friend, Mr. Neff ! " 

" Oh, yes ! but then," 

Says Mr. N , 

"You know Fm D E F!" 




FRITZ UND 1. 



Mynheer, blease hellD a boor oldt man 

Vot gomes vrom Sharmany, 

Mit Fritz, mine tog, und only freund, 

To geep me gompany. 
70 



FBITZ UND I. 

I haf no geld to puy mine pread, 

No blace to lay me down ; 
For ve vas vanderers, Fritz und I, 

Und sdrangers in der town. 

Some beoples gife us dings to eadt, 
Und some dey kicks us oudt, 

Und say, " You don'd got peesnis here 
To sdroU der schtreets aboudt ! " 

Yot's dot you say % — you puy mine tog 

To gife me pread to eadt ! 
I vas so boor as nefer vas, 

But I vas no " tead peat." 

Vot, sell mine tog, mine leedle tog, 

Dot vollows me aboudt, 
Und vags his dail like anydings 

Vene'er I dakes him oudt 1 

71 



FBITZ UND I. 

Schust look at him, unci see him schump ! 

He hkes me pooty veil ; 
Und dere vas somedings 'bout dot tog, 

Mynheer, I youldn't sell. 

" Der collar ? " Nein : 'tvas someding else 

Vrom vich I gould not bart ; 
Und, if dot ding vas dook avay, . 

I dink it prakes mine heart. 

" Vot vas it, den, abondt dot tog," 
Yon ashk, " dot's not vor sale ? " 

I dells yon vot it ish, mine frennd : 
'Tish der vag off dot tog's dail ! " 



72 




"Scliust look at him, mid see him schump! 
He likes me pooty veil." — Page 72. 



YAW, DOT ISH SO ! 



Yaw, dot ish so ! Yaw, dot ish so ! 
" Dis vorldt vas all a fleeting show.' 

I shinokes mine pipe, 

I trinks mine bier, 
Und efiy day to vork I go ; 
" Dis vorldt vas all a fleetino- show ;" 

Yaw, dot ish so ! 

Yaw, dot ish so ! Yaw, dot ish so ! 
I don'd got mooch down here below, 

I eadt und trink, 

I vork und shleep, 

75 



YAW, DOT ISII 80/ 

Und find oudt, as I oldter grow, 
I haf a hardter row to hoe ; 
Yaw, dot ish so ! 

Yaw, dot isli so ! Yaw, dot ish so ! 
Dis vorldt don'd gife me haf a show; 

Somedings to vear, 

Some food to eadt ; 
Vot else? Shuat vait a miniule, dough; 
Katriiia, iind der po3's ! Oho ! 

Yaw, dot ish so ! 

Yaw, dot ish so ! Yaw, dot isli so ! 
Dis vorldt doird been a fleeting show. 

I haf mine frau, 

I haf mine poys, 
To cheer me dail}^, as I go ; 
Dot's pest as anydings I know ; 

Yaw, dot ish so ! 

76 




LITTLI: TIM'S REVENGE. 



" Little Tdi " was the name of him 
Of whom I have to tell ; 
And he abode on the Western road, 
In the busy to^^1l of L . 

77 



LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. 

As trains went down through the little town, 

He peddled through the cars 
His stock in trade, — iced lemonade, 

Cake, peanuts, and cigars. 

Conductor Dunn was the only one 

Who'd not this trade allow ; 
And so 'twixt him and little Tim 

There always was a row. 

At last one day they had a fray ; 

And Timothy declared 
He'd " fix old Dunn, ' as sure's a gun,' " 

If both their lives were spared. 

So off he went with this intent. 

And sold his stock in trade : 
His earnings hard he spent for lard. 

And started for " the grade." 
78 



LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. 

(This place, you know, is where trains go 

Upon the steep hillside, 
And where — with lard — it isn't hard 

To get up quite a sHde.) 




He took a stick, and spread it thick, 

Remarkmg with a smile, 
" There'll be some fun when Mr. Dunn 

Commences to ' strike ile ' ! " 

79 



LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. 

He lay in wait •• the train was late, 

And came a-puffing hard, 
With heavy load, right up the road 

To where he'd spread the lard. 

They tried in vain : that fated train 
Could not ascend the grade : 

The wheels would spin with horrid din 
Yet no advance was made. 

Then little Tim — 'twas hold in him — 

Cried out in accents shrill, 
" Remember me, Conductor D., 

When you get up the hill ! " - 

MORAL. 

Success in trade is up a grade 

That we should all ascend. 
And with a will help up the hill 

Our fellow-man and friend. 

80 



LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. 

When " on the road," don t mcommode 

The seeker after pelf, 
Or ten to one, like Mr. Dunn, 

You'll not get up yourself. 




jmr-' 



81 




DOT BABY OFF MINE. 



Mine cracious ! mine cracioiis ! shiist look here 

und see 
A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe ! 
Der beoples all dink dot no prains I haf got ; 
Vas grazy mit trinking, or someding like dot: 
Id vasn't pecause I trinks lager und "\ine ; 
Id vas aU on aggount off dot baby off mine. 

82 



DOT BABY OFF illJVE. 




Dot schmall leedle vellow I dells you vas qveer; 
Not mooch pigger roundt as a goot glass ofi 

peer ; 
Mit a bare-footed hed, und nose but a schpeck ; 
A mout dot goes most to der pack off his neck ; 
Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all 

combine 
To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mme. 

83 



DOT BABY OFF MINE. 




■ni!iir """""""fij 



1 dells you dot baby vas ^oii off der poys, 
Und beats leedle Yawcob for making a noise. 
He shust has pecun to slibeak goot English 

too ; 
Says " Mamma " und " Papa," und somedimes 

"Ah, gbo!" 
You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off nine 
Dot vas q\ite so schmart as dot baby off mine. 

84 



DOT BABY OFF MINE. 




He grawls der vloor ofer, unci drows dings 

aboudt, 
Und poots eferyding he can find in his mont ; 
He diimbles der shtairs down, und falls vrom 

his chair, 
Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible sckare. 
Mine hau* shtands like shquills on a mat borcubine 
Ven I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby off mine. 



85 



DOT BABY OFF MINK 




Dere vas soraeding, you pet, I don'd likes pooty veil, 
To hear in der nighdt dimes dot young Deutscher 

yell, 

Und dravel der ped-room midout many clo'es, 
Yhile der chills do^'sai der shpine off mine pack 

quickly goes: 
Does leedle shimnasdic dricks vasn't so fine 
Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off mine. 



DOT BABY OFF MINE. 




Veil, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe men, 
Und all off dese droubles vill peen ofer den : 
Dey vill year a vhite shirt-vront inshtead off a bib, 
Und wouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in deir crib. 
Veil, veil, ven I'm feeble, und in life's decline, 
May mine oldt age pe cheered py dot baby off 
mine ! 

87 




JOHN BARLEY-CORN, MY FOE. 



John Barley-Corn, my foe, John, 
The song I have to smg 

Is not in praise of yon, John. 
E'en though you are a king. 

88 



JOHN BARLEY-COEN, MY FOE. 

Your subjects they are legion, John, 

I find where'er I go : 
They wear your yoke upon then- necks, 

John Barlev-Corn. my foe. 



John Barley-Corn, my foe, John, 

By your despotic sway 
The people of our country, John, 

Are suiFering to-day. 
You lay the lash upon their backs 

Yet willingly they go 
And pay allegiance at the polls, 

John Barley-Corn, my foe. 

John Barley-Corn. my foe, John, 
YouVe broken many a heart. 

And caused the bitter tear, John, 
From many an eye to start, 

89 



JOHN BAPiLEY-COEN, MY FOE. 

The widow and the fatherless 

From pleasant homes to go, 
And lead a life of sin and shame, 

John Barlej'-Corn, my foe. 

John Barley-Corn, my foe, John, 
May Heaven speed the hour, 

When Temperance shall wear the crown 
And Rum shall lose its power ; 

When from the East unto the West 
The people all shall know 

Their greatest curse has been removed, 
John Barley-Corn, my foe ! 



90 



HANS AND FRITZ. 



Hans and Fritz were two Deutscliers who lived 

side by side, 
Remote from the world, its deceit and its pride : 
AVith their pretzels and beer the spare moments 

were spent. 
And the fruits of their labor were peace and 

content. 

Hans purchased a horse of a neighbor one day, 
And, lacking a part of the Geld., — as they say, — 

91 



HANS AND FRITZ. 

Made a call upon Fritz to solicit a loan 
To help liim to pay for his beautiful roan. 

Fritz kindly consented the money to lend, 
And gave the required amount to his friend ; 
Remarking, — his own simple language to quote, — 
" Berhaps it vas hedder ve make us a note." 

The note was drawn up in their primitive way, — 
" I, Hans, gets from Fritz feefty tollars to-day ; " 
Wlien the question arose, the note being made, 
" Vich von holds dot baper until it vas baid ? " 

" You geeps dot," says Fritz, " und den you vill 

know 
You owes me dot money." Says Hans, " Dot ish so : 
Dot makes me remempers I haf dot to bay, 
Und I prings you der note und der money some 

day." 

92 




' When the <iiiesl,ioii arose, the note being made, 
Vich von holds dot baper until it vas baid.' " — Tage 



HAy^S AXD FBITZ. 

A month had expired, when Hans, as agreed. 
Paid back the amount, and from debt he was 

freed. 
Says Fritz, "Now dot settles us." Hans rephes, 

" Yaw : 
Now who dakes dot baper accordings by law ? " 

"I geeps dot now, amd't it?" says Fritz; "den, 

you see, 
I alvays remempers you baid dot to me." 
Says Hans, " Dot ish so: it A'as now shust so blain, 
Dot I knows vot to do ven I porrows again." 



95 




SEQUEL TO THE "ONE-HORSE SHAY." 



Doubtless my readers all have lieard 
Of the " wonderful one-horse shay " 

That " went to pieces all at once " 
On the terrible earthquake-day. 

96 



SEQUEL TO THE '' ONE-HOESE SHAY.'' 

But did they ever think of the horse. 

Or mourn the loss of him, — 
The " ewe-necked bay " (who diew the " shay "), 

So full of life and vim? 

He was a wonderful nag, I'm told, 

In spite of his old " rat-tail ; " 
And, though he always minded the rem, 

He laughed at the snow and hail. 

He had the finest stable in town, 

With plenty of oats and hay ; 
And to the parson's oft " Hud-dup " 

He never would answer neigh. 

To the parson's shay he was ever true, 
Though her other felloes were tired : 

To live and die with his fiancee 
Was all that his heart desu'ed. 
97 



SEQUEL TO THE " ONE-HOBSE SHAY.'' 

He was much attached to his ancient mate ; 

So the parson " hitched them together ; " 
And, when they went on their bridle tour, 

His heart was hght as a feather. 

We all remember her awful fate, 

On that sad November day. 
When nothing remained but a heap of trash. 

That once was a beautiful shay. 

Oh ! what could stir-up the equine breast 
Like this fearful, harrowing blow. 

Which put a check on his happiness. 
And filled his heart with iv{]i)oa. 

As he wheeled about, a shaft of pain 

Entered his faithful breast. 
As he there beheld the sad remains 

Of her whom he loved the best. 

98 



SEQUEL TO THE "ONE-HOUSE SHAY." 

With a sudden bound and fearful snort, 
He sped away like the 'i^^'ind ; 

And a fact most queer I'll mention here, 
No traces were left behind. 




99 



PREVALENT POETRY. 



A WANDERING tribe, called the Siouxs, 
Wear moccasins, having no shiouxs; 

They are made of buckskin, 

With the fleshy side in, 
Embroidered with beads of bright hyioiixs. 

When out on the war-path, the Siouxs 
March single file — never by tionxs — 

And by "blazing" the trees 

Can return at their ease. 
And their way through the forests ne'er liouxs. 

All new-fashioned boats he eschiouxs. 
And uses the birch -bark caniouxs; 

100 



PREVALENT POETRY. 

These are handy and light, 
And, inverted at night, 
Give shelter from storms and from diouxs. 

The principal food of the Sioiixs 
Is Indian maize, which they briouxs, 

And hominy make, 

Or mix in a cake. 
And eat it w^ith pork, as they chiouxs. 

*.!£. ^ Jf. .J^ ^ J£. 

■Ti* TV* 'A' "A* 'Tf" 'A' 

Now, doesn't this spelling look cyiouxrious? 
'Tis enough to make any one fyiouxrious! 

So a word to the wise ! — 

Pray our language revise 
With orthography not so injiouxrious. 



101 




ZWEI LAGER. 



Der night vas dark as anyding, 

Ven at mine door two vellers ring, 

Und say, ven I ask who vas dhere, 

" Git oup und git " — und den dey schvear 



" Zwei lager.' 



102 



ZWEI LAGER. 

I says, " 'Tis late : schiist leaf mine house, 
Und don'd pe making sooch a towse ! " 
Dey only lauft me in der face, 
Und say, " Pring oudt, ' Old Schweizerkase,' 

Zwei lager." 



I dold dem dot der bier vas ondt ; 
But dose two shaps set oup a shout, 
Und said no matter if 'tvas late. 
Dot dey moost haf " put on der schlate " 

Zwei lager. 



" Oh ! go avay, dot is goot poys," 
Mine moder says, " und schtop der noise : " 
But sdill dem vellers yellt avay ; 
Und dis vas all dot dey vould say, — 

" Zwei lager." 

103 



ZWm LAGER. 

" Vot makes you gome 1 " mine laughter said, 
" Veil beoples all vas in deir ped : 
Scliust gome to-morrow ven you're dliry." 
But dem two plackguards sdill did cry, 

" Zwei lager." 



" Vot means you by soocli dings as dese ? 
I go uiid calls for der boleese," 
Says Schneigelfritz, who lifs next door; 
Dey only yellt more as pefore, 

" Zwei lager." 



" You scliust holdt on a leedle vhile, 
Says mine Katrina mit a schmile : 
" I vix dose shaps, you pet my life, 
So dey don d ask off Pfeiffer's vife 



Zwei lager." 



104 



ZWEI LAGER. 



Den riglidt avay she got a peese 
Of goot und schtrong old Limburg cheese, 
Und put it schust outside der door; 
Und den ve didn't hear no more 

" Zwei lager." 




105 




A TOUGH CUSTOMER. 



'Tis a story of a -toper : 

I knew liim passing well,— 

A shoemaker in Natick, 

Which is oftentimes called — well 

Of course you've heard the story ; 
So I will not stop to tell. 



106 



A TOUGH CUSTOMEB. 

He was the hardest drinker 

For many miles around ; 
Though, as a waggish chap remarked, 

'■'•Hard drinker ! I'll be bound 
He drinks about as easy 

As any man I've found ! " 

There chanced to be a " sample-room " 

Close by his little shop. 
In which, "just to be neighborly," 

He frequently would drop, 
And " take a little something warm," 

From gin to (jm-ger pop. 

One day he went as usual ; 

And, finding no one in. 
He spied upon the counter 

AVhat he supposed was gin. 
And straightway took a " nipper " 

From the bottle it was in. 

107 



A TOUGH CUSTOMER. 

Surveying, a la connoisseur^ 

The name the bottle bore, 
lie found 'twas aquafortis., 

Which he had. taken "raw," — 
" A brand," quoth he, " I ne'er did see, 

And never drank before." 

Just then his neighbor happened in ; 

And, tremulous with fear, 
(The bottle told the story,) 

He asked if he felt queer. 
And if he'd have a doctor called. 

As one was living near. 

" Don't worry," said the shoemaker : 

" I'm all right, I believe. 
There's but one thing that's curious : 

I really can't conceive 
Why, when I wipe my mouth, it burns 

A hole right through my sleeve ! " 

108 



DOT POODLE DOG. 



Mine cracious, vot a gountry, 
Und vot a beoples too ! 

I feel so bad, already, 
I don'd know vot to do. 

I had von leedle poodle dog. 
So handsome vot couldt been; 

Und alvays, vheresoe'er I vent, 
Dot poodle dog vas seen. 

109 



DOT POODLE DOG. 

He youst to vollow me aroundt, 
In schpite off rain und hail ; 

Und, oh, der comfort vot I dook 
In der vag off dot dog's tail ! 

Von day I missed mine Schneider, 
(Dot vas der poodle's name ;) 

Und, though I vistled all aroundt. 
Dot poodle didn't came. 

I looked about der sausage-shops, 
(Vhere dey cut some vunny capers.) 

Und dold dot he vas schtrayed or stoldt 
In all der daily bapers. 

I hunted efery vhere aroundt, — 
Oup hill, und down der dale ; 

Und all der beoples lauft at me 
To hear dot poodle's tale. 

110 



;^^y)fa 




' He used him vashing vindows off : 
Mine cracious, dot vas qveerl " — Pace 113 



DOT POODLE DOG. 

Von morning early I vas oudt, 

A valking oup der schtreet, 
Ven righdt avay I seen a sight 

Vot schtopped mine heart to beat. 

Mine cracious ! vot you dink it vas 

Dot villed me mit snrbrise'? 
'Tvas leedle Schneider vot vas losht, 

Righdt dhere pefore mine eyes ! 

You know schust how id is myself 

Ven somedings stardt you, — aindt id! 

Veil, ven I saw dot poodle dog, 
Py shings ! I almost vainted ! ' 

A darky had him on a pole, 

Mit pails off vater near. 
He used him vashing vindows off: 

Mine cracious, dot vas qveer ! 

113 



DOT POODLE DOG. 

He dipped him righdt indo der pail, 
Schust like he vas a rag ; 

Der life vas oudt off dot poodle dog 
Der tail had losht its vag ! 



,nv\^''^ "'On 




114 



MISPLACED SYMPATHY. 



Little Benny sat one evening, 
Looking- o'er his picture-book : 

Suddenly his mother noticed 
On his face a troubled look. 

He was gazing on a })icture, -— - 
" Christians in the early days," 

When the cruel tyrant Nero 
Harassed them in various ways. 

'Twas a family of Christians, 
Torn by lions fierce and wild, 

In the horrible arena, 

AVhich had thus distressed the child, 

315 



MISPLACED SYMPATHY. 

Thinking it a golden moment 
To impress his youthful mind 

With our freedom, dearly purchased, 
And by martyrs' blood refined, 

His good mother told the story 
Of their persecutions sore, 

While he listened, all attention, 
And the picture pondered o'er. 

" See, my child, those hungry lions, 
How upon the group they fall ! 

'Tis a sight, my precious darling, 
That the bravest might appall." , 

Then, with little lip a-quiver, 

" Mamma, look ! " says little Benny 

" Little lion in the corner. 
Mamma, isnt gettin any ! " 

116 



Kiff /^^'^ '^ 




' Little lion in the corner, 
Mamma, isn't gettin' any ! " — Page lie. 




VOT I LIKE UND DON'D LIKE. 



I don'd clink mooch off dose fine sliaps 
Vot lofe aboudt der sclitreet, 

Und nefer pays der landlady 
For vot dey haf to eat ; 

119 



VOT I LIKE UND DON'D LIKE. 

Wlio gifes der tailor notings, 
Unci makes der laundress vait, 

Und haf deii' trinks off lager bier 
All " put ubon der schlate." 



I don'd dink mooch off vimmin, too, 

A'VTio dink it vas deir "schpeer" 
To keep oup vine abbearances, 

Und lif in " Grundy's " fear ; 
Who dress demselves mit vine array 

To flirt ubon der schtreet, 
Und leaf deir moders at der tub 

To earn der bread dey eat. 

I don'd like men dot feel so pig 

Ven dey haf plenty geld. 
Who vas as Lucifer so broud, 

Und mit conceit vas schvelled. 

120 



rOT I LIKE UNB BON'D LIKE. 

Who diiiks more off deir horse und dog 

As off a man dot's poor, 
Und lets der schtarving und der sick 

Go hungry vrom der door. 

I don'd dink mooch off dem dot holdt 

So tight ubon a tollar, 
Dot, if 'tvas only shust alife, 

'Tvould make it shcream und holler. 
Vy don'd dey keep it on der move, 

Not hide avay und lock it? 
Dey gannot take it ven dey die : 

Der shroud don'd haf a pocket ! 

I hke to see a hand dot's brown, 

Und not avraid off vork ; 
Dot gifes to dose vot air in need, 

Und nefer tries to schirk : 

121 



VOT I LIKE UN ID DON'T) LIKE. 

A man dot meets you mit a schmile, 

Und dakes you py der hand, 
Sliust like dey do vhere I vas born, 

In mine own vaterland, — 

Vhere bier-saloons don d keep a schlate ; 

Vhere tailors get deir pay, 
Und vashervimmin get der schtamps 

For vork dey dake avay ; 
Vhere fraidelns schtick righdt to der voik 

So schteady as a glock, 
Und not go schtrutting droo der schtreets 

Shust like a durkey-cock ; 
Vhere blenty und brosperity 

Schmile ubon efery hand : 
Dot ist der Deutscher's paradise ; 

Das ist das Vaterland. 



122 



THE WIDOW MALONE'S PIG. 



The Widow Malone had a beautiful pig ; 

No one had its equal from Cork to Killarney: 
And Paddy McCabe had his eye on the same ; 

A roguish chap he, fidl of mischief and blarney. 

This beautiful pig fau-ly haunted his dreams ; 
And he swore, that, unless he was sadly mis- 
taken, 
lie would feast off his ribs upon St. Patrick's 
Day, 
And even the widow should not " save his 
bacon." 

123 



THE WIDOW M ALONE 'S PIG. 

One morning the widow went out to the pen, 
Pail in hand, with the first streak of dawn, 

When, lo ! it was vacant ; no piggy was there : 
The sweet Httle creature was gone ! 



Straightway to tlie priest for assistance she went, 
Who asked her the cause of her grief. 

" Och ! your riverince," says she, " 'tis me pig 
that is gone ! 
And I think Pat McCabe is the thief." 



Soon after Pat came to the priest to " confess, 

And told of his theft from the Widow Malone. 
" Take it back," says the priest, " without any 
delay ! " 
" Sure I've ate it, your riverince ! " says Pat 
with a groan. 

124 







" The Widow Maloue had a beautiful pig; 
No one had its equal from Cork to Killaniey." — Page 123. 



TEE WIBOW MALONE'S PIG. 

"Ah, Pat!" says the priest, " at the great 'judg- 
ment-day,' 

When you meet the widow and pig face to face. 
What excuse will you give for your terrible sin? 

Tm thinking youll go to a very bad place." 

"Will the widdy and pig both be there?" says Pat. 

" To be sure," says the priest, " to accuse you 
of "sin." 
"Will, thin,"replies Paddy, " PU sdij ,' Here s your ing ! 

By St. Patrick, I'll niver molist him agin ! ' " 







127 




A TRAPPER'S STORY. 



" 'TwAS a moonlight night," the trapper began. 
As we lay by the bright camp-fire, — 

" Come, fill up your pipes, and pile on the brands. 
And gather a little nigher, — 

128 



A TRAPPER'S STORY. 

" 'Twas a moonlight night when Bet and I — 
Bet, she's the old mare, you know — 

Started for camp on our lonely route. 
O'er the dreary waste of snow. 

" I had been to the ' clearing ' that afternoon 
For powder and ball, and whiskey too ; 

For game was plenty, furs in demand, 

And plenty of hunting and trapping to do. 

" I had no fear of the danger that lurked 
In the region through which my journey lay, 

Till Bet of a sudden pricked up her ears, 
And sniffed the au' in a curious way. 

" 1 knew at once what the danger was 
As Bet struck out at a 'forty gait : 

'Twas life or death for the mare and me, 
And all I could do was to trust to fate. 

129 



A TBAPPEE'S 8T0BY. 

" Wolves on our track, ten miles from home ! 

A pleasant prospect that, — eh, boys'? 
I could see them skulkmg among the trees, 

And the woods re-echoed theh hideous noise. 

" At last, as their numbers began to swell, 
They bolder grew, and pressed us close : 

So ' Old Pill-Driver ' I brought to bear, 
And gave the leader a leaden dose. 

" Now, you must know, if you di'aw the blood 
On one of the sneaking, ravenous crew, 

The rest will turn on the double-quick. 
And eat him up without more ado. 

" This gave me a chance to load my gun, 
With just a moment to breathe and rest; 

When on they came ! a-gaining fast. 
Though Bet was doing her level best. 

130 



A TRAP FEE'S STORY. 

" I began to think it was getting hot. 

' Pill-Driver,' says I, ' this will never do : 
Talk to 'em again ! ' You bet she did ; 

And right m his tracks lay number two. 

" Well, boys, to make a long story short, 
I picked them off till but one was left ; 

But he was a whopper, you'd better believe, — 
A reg'lar mammoth in size and heft. 

" Yes, he was the last of the savage pack ; 

For, as they had followed the nat'ral law, 
They had eaten each other as fast as they fell. 

Till all were condensed in his spacious maw." 



133 



JOHNNY JUDKINS. 



Johnny Judkins was a vender 
Of a patent liquid blacking: 

Johnny Judkins he was witty, 

And for " cheek " he was not lacking. 

Johnny stood upon the corner, 

Selling polish day by day. 
And would "polish oif" a party 

Who had any thing to say. 

134 



JOHNNY JUBKINS. 

Johnny's stereotyped expression 

Was, " Now, gents, at the beginnin* 

I would state this magic polish 
Will not soil the finest linen." 

Johnny then its other virtues 
Rapidly would mention o'er. 

And would sell his gaping hearers 
From a dozen to a score. 

Hans von Puffer bought a bottle. 
Which upon his shht-front white. 

As he used it without caution, 
Left a spot as black as night. 

Back to Johnny went Yon Puffer, 
Saying, " Vot vas dot you zay? 

'Tvill not soil der vinest linen ? 
See mme shht-vrond righdt avay! 

135 



JOHNNY JUDKINS. 

" Yot vas dot ubon mine bosom ? 

Von't you dolcl me, ef you blease ! 
Shust you gife me pack mine money, 

Or I goes vor der boleese ! " 

Johnny looked upon the Deutscher 
With a bland and childlike smile ; 

Then upon the crowd before him, 
Who enjoyed the sport meanwhile. 

" Gentlemen," says Johnny Judkins, 
"As I said in the beginnin', 

This 'ere patent liquid polish 
Will not soil the fiiest linen. 

"As for that," says Johnny Judkins,— 
Pointing where the spot of crock 

Showed upon Von Puffer's bosom 
Like a black sheep in a flock,-— 

136 




.,,,^:^-^^^" 



" Vot vas dot ubon mine bosom ? 
Von't you dold me, ef you blease ! " — Page 



JOHNNY JUDKINS. 

" As for that," repeated Johnny, 
" If you call that linen fine, 

I would merely say, my hearers. 
Your opmion is not mine." 

Johnny Judkins still continues 
Selling blacking by the ton. 

Hans von Puffer chalks that bosom 
Every time he puts it on. 




139 



THE LOST PET. 



Oh, list ! while T tell 

Of the fate that hefell 
A pet that was dear unto me, — 

A black-and-tan pup. 

Oh ! bitter the cup 
Prepared by that " Heathen Chinee 

For me, 
The friend of those venders of tea. 

140 



TUB LOST PET. 

This young black-and-taii 

Away from me ran, — 
An act which I did not foresee ; 

And, though I did seek 

For over a week 
To find him, it was not to be. 

You'll see, 
'Twas the work of that sinful Chinee. 



His name was Ah-Bet, 
(Not the name of my pet, 

But of him of Chinese pedigree ;) 
And he kept a small shop, 
And had the best " chop " 

Of tit-bits from over the sea, 
That lie 

Obtained from his far-famed patrie. 

141 



THE LOST PET. 

He had " chow-chow," that tickles 

The lover of pickles, 
Though with me it did never agree ; 

And things filled with spice. 

Which may have been mice, — 
They looked enough like them, — dear me ! 

To see 
Such food in the " land of the free." 



One day I'd a friend 

Who was coming to spend 
The day, and take dinner with me : 

So I went to Ah-Bet, 

And told him to get 
A rabbit " and fixin's ; " and he 

Said "Om," 
In a manner quite Frenchy to see. 

142 




''And brought to the light 
A tag, with inscription, ' Toby.' " — page 145. 



THE LOST PET. 

The clock had struck one : 

The dinner was done, 
And served up with steaming Bohea. 

" 'Tis excellent fare, 

This rabbit, or hare, 
Whichever it may be," said he, 

(Mou ami:) 
" You've a prize in that Heathen Chinee." 



Just then in the dish 

I noticed him fish 
For something he thought he could see. 

That didn't look right ; 

And brought to the light 
A tag, with inscription, " Toby." 

Ah me! 
'Twas that of my lost favori! 

145 



"AH-GOO !" 



VoT vas id mine baby vas trying to say, 
Vhen I goes to hees crib at der preak off der day ? 
Uud oudt vrom der plauket peeps ten leedle toes, 
So pink und so shveet as der fresh plooming rose, 
Und twisting und curling dhemselves all aboudt, 
Shust like dhey vas saying, "Ve vant to get oudt!" 
Vhile dot baby looks oup mit dhose bright eyes 

so plue, 
Und don'd could say nodings, shust only, 
" Ah - soo !" 



o 



Vot vas id mine baby vas dinking aboudt, 
Vhen dot thumb goes so qvick in hees shveet 
leedle mout', 

U6 



''AII-000!" 

Unci he looks righclt avay, like he no undershtandt 
Der reason he don'd could qvite shvallow hees 

handt ; 
Und he dio;s rait dhose fins^ers riojhdt into hees 

eyes, 
Vhich fills hees oldt fader mit fear und surbrise ; 
Und vhen mit dhose shimnasdic dricks he vas 

droo, 
He lay back und crow, und say nix budt 
"Ah- goo!" 

Vot makes dot shmall baby shmile vhen he's 
ashleep ; 

Does he dink he vas blaying mit some von "bo- 
peep ?" 

Der nurse say dhose shmiles vas der sign he haf 
colic — 

More like dot he dhreams he vas hafins: some 
frolic ; 

149 



*'AH-Q0O!" 

I feeds dot oldt nurse mit creen abblos some day, 
Und dhen eef she shmiles, I pelief vot she say ; 
Vhen dot baby got cramps he find someding to do 
Oxcept shmile, und blay, und keep oup hees 
"Ah -goo!" 

I ask me, somedimes, vhen I looks in dot crib, 
" Vill der shirdt-frondt, von day, dake der blace 

off dot bib? 
Vill dot plue-eyed baby dot's pooling mine hair 
Know all vot I knows aboudt drouble und care?" 
Dhen I dink off der vorldt, mit its bride und its 

sins, 
Und I vish dot mineself und dot baby vas tvlns, 
Und all der day long I haf nodings to do 
Budt shust laugh und crow, und keep saying, 
"Ah -goo!" 



150 




I YAMILY. 



DiMBLED scbeeks, mit eyes off plue, 
Mont' like id vas moisd mit dew, 
Und leedle teeth shust peekin' droo- 
Dot's der baby. 

151 



MINE VAMILT. 

Curly head, und full off glee, 
Drowsers all oudt at der knee — 
He vas peen blaying horse, you see- 
Dot's leedle Yawcob. 




lii! 



MIKE VAMILT. 




Von hundord-seexty iu der shade, 
Del" oder day vhen she vas veighed- 
She beats me soou, I vas avraid — 
Dot's mine Katrina. 

153 



MINE VAMILT. 

Barefooted head, imd pooty stoiidt, 
Mit grooked legs dot vill bend oudt, 
Fond off his bier iind saner- kraut — 
Dot's me himself. 




154 



MINE VAMILT. 



Von schmall young baby, full off fun, 
Von leedle prite-eyed, roguish son, 
Von frau to greet vhen vork vas done- 
Dot's mine vamily. 



155 




DOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA. 



How dear to dis heart vas iiiiue Q-raodshild Low- 
eeza ! 
Dot shv^eet leedle taughter off Yawcob, mine son ! 
I nefer vas tired to hug imd to shqveeze her 
Vhen home I gets back, und der day's vork 
vas done. 

156 



DOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA. 

Vhen I vas avay, oh, I know dot she miss me, 
For vhen I come homevards she rushes bell- 
mell, 
Und poots oiip dot shveet leedle moiit' for to kiss 
me — 
Her " darling oldt gampa," dot she lofe so veil. 




Katrina, mine frau, she could not do mitoudt her, 
She vas sooch a gomfort to her, day py day; 



157 



' DOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA. 



Dot shild sbe make efry von habby aboudt her, 
Like sunshine she drife all dheir troubles avay. 

She holdt der vool yarn vhile Katrina she vind it, 
She pring her dot camfire bottle to shmell; 

She fetch me mine pipe, too, vhen 1 don'd can find it. 
Dot plue-eyed Loweeza, dot lofe me so veil. 




How shveet, vhen der toils off der veek vas all ofer, 
Und Sunday vas come, mit its qviet und rest, 



158 



DOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA. 

To valk mit dot shild 'mong der daisies und 
clofer, 
Und look off der leedle birds building dheir 
nest ! 

Her pright leedle eyes, how dhey shparkle mit 
pleasure ! 
Her laugh it rings oudt shust so clear like a 
bell; 

I dink dhere vas nopody haf sooch a treas- 
ure 

As dot shmall Loweeza, dot lofe me so veil. 

Vhen vinter vas come, mit its coldt, shtormy 
veddher, 
Katrina und I ve musd sit in der house, 
Und dalk off der bast by der fireside toged- 
dher, 
Or blay mit dot taughter off our Yawcob 
Strauss. 

159 



BOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA. 




Oldt age, mit its wrinkles, peglns to remind us 
Ve gannot shtay long rait our shildren to 
dvell ; 
But soon ve shall meet mit der poys left pehind 
us, 
Und dot shveet Loweeza, dot lofe us so veil. 



160 




DON'D FEEL TOO BIG!" 



A FROG vas a -singing von day in der brook 
(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big!), 



161 



"DON'D FEEL TOO BIO!" 

Und he shvelled mit pride, und he say, "Shust 
look; 

Doii'd I sing dhose peautiful songs like a book ?" 
(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big !) 







162 



■'BOND FEEL TOO BIG!' 




A fish came a-sbvimming along dot vay 

(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big !) ; 
•'I'll dake you oudt off der vet," he say; 
Und der leedle froggie vas shtowed avay. 

(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big I) 



163 



'DOWB FEEL TOO BIG!" 



A hawk flew down und der fisb dook in 
- (Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 

too big !) ; 
Und der hawk he dink dot der shmardest vin 
Vhen he shtuck his claws in dot fish's shkin. 
(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big!) 




"BON'D FEEL TOO BIG!" 

A hunter vas oudt mit his gun aroundfc 

(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big !), 
Und he sa}^ vhen der hawk vas brought to der 

groundt, 
Und der fish und der leedle frog vas foundt, 
" It vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel 
too big!" 



165 



MINE MODER-m-LAW. 



Dhere vas many qveer dings, in dis land off der 
free, 

I neifer could qvite understand ; 
Del' beoples dliey all seem so deefrent to me 

As dhose in mine own faderland. 
Dliey gets blendy droubles, imd iudo mishaps, 

Mitoudt der least bit off a cause ; 
Und, vould you pelief id ? dhose mean Yangee 
chaps, 

Dhey fights mit dheir moder-iu-laws ! 

Shust dink off a vhite man so vicked as dot! 
Vhy not gife der oldt lady a show? 

166 



MINE MODER-m-LAW. 




Who vas id gets oup, vhen der oigbdt id vas 
hot, 
Mit mine baby, I shust like to know ? 

169 



MINE MODER-IN-LAW. 

Unci dhen in der vinter, vhen Katrine vas sick, 
. Und der mornings vas shnowy iind raw, 
Who made righdt avay oup dot fire so qvick ? 
Vhy, dot vas mine moder-in-law. 

Id vas von off dhose voman's righdts vellers, I 
been — 
Dliere vas nodings dot's mean aboudt me ; 
Vhen der oldt lady vishes to run dot masheen, 

Vhy, I shust lets her run id, you see. 
Und vhen dot shly Yawcob vas cutting some 
d ricks 
(A block off der oldt chip he vas, yaw !), 
Eef she goes for dot chap like some dousands off 
bricks, 
Dot's all righdt! She's mine moder-in-lavr. 

Veek oudt und veek in, id vas alvays der same, 
Dot vomans vas boss off der house; 

170 



MINE MOBER-IN-LA W. 




Budt, dhen, neffer uiintlt ! I vas glad dot she 
came, 
She vas kiud to mine young Yawcob Strauss. 

171 



MINE MODER-IN-LA W. 

Und vhen clbere vas vater to get vrom der 
shpring, 

Und fire-vood to shplit oup und saw, 
She vas velcome to do id. Dhere's not auyding 

Dot's too goot for mine moder-in-law. 




I. \,>v 



172 




DER SHPIDER UND DER FLY. 



I EEADS in Yawcob's shtory book, 

A couple veeks ago, 
Von firsd-rade boem, vot I dinks 

Der beoples all should know. 

173 



DER SHPIDER UND DEB FLY. 



Id ask dis goot coniindhrum, too, 
Vich ve should brofit by : 

" ' Vill 3^011 indo mine barlor valk ?' 
Says der shpider off der fly." 




Dot set me dinking, righdt avay, 
Und vhen, von afdernoon, 

A shbeculator he cooms in, 
Und dells me, pooty soon, 

174 



I)ER SHPIDER UND DER FLY. 



He haf a silfer mine to sell, 
Und ask me eef I piiy, 

I dink otf der oxberience 
Off dot plue- pottle fly. 




Der oder day, vhen on der cars 
I vent py Nie Yorck, oudt, 

I meets a fiaulein on der train. 
Who dold me, mit a pout, 



175 



DER SHPIDER UN J) DEB FLY. 



She likes der Deutscher shentlemens, 
Unci dells me sit peside her — 

I dinks, maype, I vas der fly, 
Und she vas peen der shpider. 




I vent indo der shmoking - car, 
Vhere dhey vas blaying boker, 

Und also haf somedings dhey calls 
Der funny "leedle joker." 

176 



DER SHPIDER UKD DEB FLY. 



Some money id vas shanging hands, 
Dhey wanted me to try — 

I says, "You vas too brevious; 
I don'd vas peen a fly !" 




On Central Park a shmardt young man 
Says, "Strauss, how vas you peen?" 

Und dake me kindly py der hand, 
Und ask off mine Kati'ine. 

177 



DER SHPIDER UND DER FLY. 

He vants to shange a feefty bill, 

Und says hees name vas Schneider — 

Maype, berhaps he vas all righdt ; 
More like he vas a shpider. 

Mosd efry day some shvindling chap, 

He dries hees leedle game; 
I cuts me oudt dot shpider biece, 

Und poot id in a frame; 
Righdt in mine shtore I hangs id oup, 

Und near id, on der shly, 
I geeps a glub, to send gvick oudt 

Dhose shpiders "on der fly." 



178 



MINE SCHILDHOOD. 



Der schiltren dhey vas poot in ped, 
All tucked oup for der nighdt ; 

I dakes mine pipe der mantel off, 
Und py der fireside prighdt 

I dinks aboudt vhen I vas young — 
Off moder, who vas tead, 

Und how at nighdt — like I do Hans- 
She tucked me oup in ped. 

I mindt me off mine fader, too, 

Und how he yoost to say, 
"Poor poy, you haf a hardt oldt row 

To hoe, und leedle blay !" 

179 



MINE SGHILDHOOD. 

I find me oudt dot id vas drue 

Vot mine oldt fader said, 
Vhile smoodhing down mine flaxen hair 

Und tucking me in ped. 

Der oldt folks ! Id vas like a dhream 

To shpeak off dhem like dot. 
Gretchen und I vas "oldt folks" now, 

Und haf two schiltren got. 
Ve lofes dhem more as neffer vas, 

Each leedle curly head, 
Und efry nighdt ve takes dhem oup 

Und tucks dhem in dheir ped. 

Budt dhen, somedimes, vhen I feels plue, 
Und all dings lonesome seem, 

I vish I vas dot ^oy again, 
Und dis vas all a dhream. 

180 



MINE 8CHILDH00D. 

I vant to kiss mine moder vonce, 
Uud vhen mine brayer vas said, 

To haf mine fader dake me oup 
Und tuck me in mine ped. 



183 



DER VATER-MILL. 



I READS aboudt dot vater-mill dot runs der life- 
long day, 

Und how der vater don'd coom pack vhen vonce 
id flows avay; 

Und off der mill - shtream dot glides on so beace- 
fully und slitill, 

Budt don'd vas putting in more vork on dot same 
vater-mill. 

Der boet says 'tvas beddher dot 5^ou holdt dis 
broverb fast— 

"Per mill id don'd vould grind some more mit 
vater dot vas past." 

184 



DEM VATEB-MILL. 

Dot boem id vas peautiful to read aboudt; dot's 

so! 
Budt eef dot vater vasnH past how could dot mill- 

vheel go? 
Und vhy make drouble mit dot mill vhen id vas 

been inclined 
To dake each obbordunidy dot's gifen id to 

grind ? 
Und vhen der vater cooms along in qvandidies 

so vast, 
Id lets some oder mill dake oup der vater dot 

vas past. 

Dhen der boet shange der subject, und he dells 

us vonce again, 
"Der sickle neffer more shall reap der yellovs^, 

garnered grain." 
Veil, vonce vas blendy, aind't id ? Id vouldn't 

been so nice 

185 



DER VATER-MILL. 

To haf dot sickle reaping oup der same grain 

ofer tvice ! 
Vhy, vot's der use off cutting oup der grass al- 

reaty mown ? 
Id vas pest, mine moder dold me, to let veil 

enough alone. 

"Der summer vinds refife no more leaves strewn 

o'er earth und main." 
Veil, who vants to refife dhem ? Dhere vas blen- 

dy more again ! 
Der summer vinds dhey shtep righdt oup in goot 

time to brepare 
Dhose blants und trees for oder leaves; dhei;e soon 

vas creen vons dhere. 
Shust bear dis adverb on your mindts, mine 

frendts, und holdt id fast: 
Der new leaves don'd vas been aroundt undil der 

oldt vas past. 

186 



DER VATEB-MILL. 

Dhen neffer mindt der leaves dot's dead ; der 

grain dot's in der bin; 
Dhey both off dheni haf had dheir day, und shust 

vas gathered in. 
Und neffer mindt der vater vhen id vonce goes 

droo der mill ; 
Ids vork vas done ! Dhere's bleudy more dot 

vaits ids blace to fill. 
Let each von dake dis moral, vrom der king down 

to der peasant — 
Don'd mindt der vater dot vas past, budt der 

vater dot vas breseut. 



187 




DER OAK UND DER VINE. 



I don'd vas preaching vomao's righdts, 

Or anydiug like dot, 
Und I likes to see all beoples 

Shust gondented mit dheir lot; 
Budt I vants to gondradict dot shap 

Dot made dis leedle shoke : 

188 



DER OAK UND DEB VINE. 

" A voman vas der glinging vine, 
Und man der shturdy oak." 




Berhaps, somedinies, dot may be drue, 
Budt, den dimes oudt off nine, 

I find me oudt dot man himself 
Vas been der glinging vine; 

189 



di:r oak unb deb vine. 

Und vhen hees friendts dhey all vas gone, 
Und he vas shust " tead proke," 

Dot's vhen der voman shteps righdt in, 
Und been der shturdy oak. 




Sbiist go oup to der paseball groiindts 
Und see dhose " shturdy oaks " 

190 



DER OAK UND DER VINE. 

All planted roundt ubon der seats — 
Shust hear dheir laughs und shokes! 

Dhen see dhose vomeus at der tubs, 
Mit glothes oudt on der lines: 

Vhich vas der shturdy oaks, mine frendts, 
Und vhich der glinging vines? 

Vhen Sickness in der household t comes, 
Und veeks und veeks he shtays, 




191 



DBR OAK UND DER YTNE. 

Who vas id fighdts him mitoudt resdt, 
Dhose veary nighdts und days? 

Who beace und gomfort alvays prings, 
Und cools dot fefered prow? 

More like id vas der tender vine 
Dot oak he glings to now. 




"Man vants budt leedle here pelow," 
Der boet von time said; 



192 



DER OAE UND DEE VINE. 

Dhere's leedle dot man be dond vant, 

I dink id means, insbted ; 
Und vben der years keep rolling on, 

Dbeir cares und droubles pringing, 
He vauts to pe der shturdy oak, 

Und, also, do der glingiug. 

Maype, vben oaks dhey gling some more, 

Und don'd so sbturdy been, 
Der gliuging vines dbey baf some sbance 

To belb run Life's masbeen. 
In belt und sickness, sboy und pain. 

In calm or sbtormy veddber, 
'Tvas beddber dot dbose oaks und vines 

Should alvays gling togeddber. 



193 



MINE SHILDREN. 



Oh, dhose shildren, dbose shildren, dhey boddher 

mine life ! 
Vhy don'd dhey keep qviet, like Katrine, mine 

vife ? 
Vot makes dhem so shock fool off mischief, I vun- 

der, 
A-shu raping der room roundt mit noises like dun- 

der ? 
Hear dot ! Vas dhere anyding make sooch a noise 
As Yawcob und Otto, mine two leedle poys? 

Ven I dake cup mine pipe for a goot qviet shmoke 
Dhey crawl me all ofer, und dink id a shoke 

194 



MINE 8HILDREN. 

To go droo mine bockets to see vot dhey find, 
Und if mit der latch-key mine vatch dhey can vind. 
Id dakes soraeding more as dheir fader und moder 
To qviet dot Otto und his leedle broder. 

Dhey shtub oudt dheir boots, und vear holes in 

der knees 
Off dheir drousers und shtockings, und sooch 

diuo;s as dhese. 
I dink if dot Croesus vas lifing to-day, 
Dhose poys make more bills as dot Kaiser could 

pay; 

I find me qvick oudt dot some riches dake vings, 
Ven each gouple a tays I must buy dhem new 
dings. 

I pring dhose two shafers some toys efry tay. 
Pecause "Shonny Schwartz has sooch nice dings," 
dhey say, 

197 



MINE 8HILDBEN. 

"Und Shonny Schwartz' barents vas poorer as 

ve "— 
Dot's vot der young rashkells vas saying to me. 
Dot oldt Santa Klaus, mit a shleigh fool off toys, 
Don'd gif sadisfactious to dhose greedy poys. 

Dhey kick der clothes off vhen ashleep in dheir 

ped, 
Und get so mooch croup dot dhey almosdt vas 

dead; 
Budt id don'd made no tifferent: before id vas light 
Dhey vas oup in der morning mit pillows to fight ; 
I dink id was beddher you don'd got some ears 
Yhen dhey blay "Holdt der Fort," und dhen gif 
dree cheers. 

Oh, dhose shildren, dhose shildren, dhey boddher 

mine life ! — 
But shtop shust a leedle. If Katrine, mine vife, 

19S 



MINE SHILDREN. 

Uiid dhose leedle shildren, dhey don'd been 

around, 
Und all droo der house dhere vas neffer a sound — 
Veil, poys, vhy you look oup dot vay mit surbrise? 
I guess dhey see tears in dheir old fader's eyes. 



199 




DER DEUTSCHER'S MAXIM. 



Dheke v-as vot you call a maxim 
Dot I hear der oder day, 

Und I wride id in mine album, 
So id don'd could got avay ; 

Und I dells mine leedle Yawcob 
He moost mind vot he's aboudt 

200 



DER DEUTSCHERS MAXIM. 



" 'Tis too late to lock cler shtable 
Vben del* horse he vas gone oudt." 




Vhen I see ubon der corners 

Off der shtreets, most efiy night, 

Der loafers und der hoodlums, 

Who do nix but shvear und fight, 

I says to mine Katrina, 

" Let us make home bright und gay ; 



201 



DEB DEUTSGHEB'8 MAXIM. 

Ve had petter lock der shtable, 
So our colts don'd got avay." 

Vheu you see dbose leedle urcbius, 
Not moocli ofer knee-high tall, 

Shump righdt indo der melon-patch, 
Shust owf der garden vail. 




Und vatch each leedle rashkell 

Vhen he cooras back mit hees "boodle," 



202 



DER DEUTSGHER'S MAXIM. 

Look oudt unci lock your shtable, 
So your own nag clon'd shkydoodle! 




Vhen der young man at der counter 
Vants to shpecgulate in sbtocks, 

Und buys hees girl some timond rings, 
Und piles rigbdt oup der rocks, 

203 



BER DEUTSCHER'S MAXIM. 

Look oudt for dot young feller; 

Id vas safe enuff to say 
Dot der shtable id vas empty, 

Und der horse vas gone avay. 

Dhen dake Time by der fetlock: 

Don'd hurry droo life's courses; 
Rememper vot der boet says, 

"Life's but a shpan" — off horses. 
Der poy he vas der comin' man; 

Be careful vhile you may; 
Shust keep der shtable bolted, 

Und der horse don'd got avay. 



204 



"CUT, CUT BEHIND!" 



Vhen shnow und ice vas on der ground, 

Und merry shleigh-bells shingle ; 
Vhen Shack Frost he vas been around, 

Und makes mine oldt ears tingle — 
I hear dhose roguish gamins say, 

"Let shoy pe unconfined!" 
Und dhen dhey go fur efry shleigh, 

Und yell, " Cut, cut pehind !" 

It makes me shust feel young some more 
To hear dhose youngsters yell, 

Und eef I don'd vas shtiff und sore, 
Py shings ! I shust vould — veil, 

205 



"CUT, CUT BEHIND!" 

Vhen some oldt piing vas coomiu' py, 

I dink I'd feel inclined 
To shurap righdt in upon der shly, 

Und shout, " Cut, cut pehind !" 

I mind me vot mine fader said 

Vonce, vhen I vas a poy, 
Mit meeschief alvays in mine head, 

Und fool off life und shoy. 
" Now, Hans, keep off der shleighs," says he, 

" Or else shust bear in mind, 
I dake you righdt across mine knee, 

Und cut, cut, cut pehind !" 

Veil, dot vas years und years ago, 

Und mine young Yawcob, too, 
Vas now shkydoodling droo der shnow, 

Shust like I used to do; 

206 



'•GUT, GUT BEHIND!" 



Und vben der piings coom py mine house, 

I shust peeks droo der plind, 
Und sings oudt, "Go id, Yawcob Strauss, 

Cut, cut, cut, cut pehind !" 



209 



A ZOOLOGICAL ROMANCE. 

Inspired by an Unusual Flow of Animal Spirits. 



No sweeter girl ewe ever gnu 
Than Betty Marten's daughter Sue. 

With sable hare, small tapir waist, 
And lips you'd gopher miles to taste; 

Bright, lambent eyes, like the gazelle, 
Sheep pertly brought to bear so well; 

Ape pretty lass, it was avowed. 
Of whom her marmot to be proud. 

210 



A ZOOLOGICAL ROMANCE. 

Deer girl ! I loved her as my life, 
And vowed to heifer for my wdfe. 

Alas ! a sailor, on the sly, 

Had cast on her his wether eye — 

He said my love for her was bosh, 
And my affection I musquash. 

He'd dog her footsteps everywhere, 
Anteater in the easy -chair. 

He'd setter round, this sailor chap. 
And pointer out upon the map 

The spot where once a cruiser boar 
Him captive to a foreign shore. 

211 



A ZOOLOGICAL ROMANCE. 

The cruel captain far outdid 

The yaks and crimes of Robert Kid. 

He oft would whale Jack with the cat, 
And say, " My buck, doe you like that ? 

" What makes you stag around so, say ! 
The catamounts to something, hey ?" 

Then he would seal it with an oath, 
And say, " You are a lazy sloth ! 

" I'll starve you down, my sailor fine. 
Until for beef and porcupine !" 

And, fairly horse with fiendish laughter. 

Would say, " Henceforth, mind what giraffe ter !" 

212 



A ZOOLOGICAL BOMANCE. 



In short, the many risks he ran 
Mia;ht well a llama braver man. 



Then he was wrecked and castor shore 
While feebly clinging to anoa; 

-Hyena cleft among the rocks 
He crept, sans shoes and minus ox ; 

And when he fain W'Ould goat to bed, 
He had to lion leaves instead. 

Then Sue would say, with troubled face, 
"How koodoo live in such a place?" 

And straightway into tears would melt. 
And say, " How badger must have felt !" 

213 



A ZOOLOGICAL ROMANCE. 

While he, the brute, woodchuck her chin, 
And say, "Aye-aye, my lass!" and grin. 

M. 4/- Jg. Jf. .j/.. 4/- -V, 

^ -tP "A* "T^ "T^ -T^ 'tf^ 

Excuse these steers. . . . It's over now; 
There's naught like grief the hart can cow. 

Jackass'd her to be his, and she — 
She gave Jackal and jilted me. 

And now, alas ! the little minks 

Is bound to him with Hymen's lynx. 



214 



THE YOUNG TRAMP. 



Hello, thar, stranger ! Wbar yer frum ? 
Come in and make yerself ter hum ! 
We're common folks — ain't much on style ; 
Come in and stop a little while ; 
'T won't do no harm ter rest yer some. 

Youngster, yer pale, and don't look well ! 
What, way frum Bosting? Naow, dew tell! 
Why, that's a hundred mile or so ; 
What started yer, Td like ter know, 
On sich a tramp ; got goods ter sell ? 

No home — no friends ? Naow that's too bad ! 
Wall, cheer up, bo)^, and don't be sad — 

215 



THE YOUNG TRAMP. 

Wife, see what yer can find ter eat, 
And put the coffee on ter heat — 
We'll fix yer up all right, my lad. 

Willing ter work, can't git a job, 

And not a penny in yer fob ? 

Wall, naow, that's rough, I dew declare ! 

What, tears? Come, youngster, I can't bear 

Ter see yer take on so, and sob. 

How came yer so bad off, ray son ? 

Father was killed? 'Sho' ; whar? Bull Kun ? 

Why, I was in that scrimmage, lad. 

And got used up, too, pretty bad ; 

I sha'n't forgit old 'sixty - one ! 

So yer were left in Bosting, hey ? 
A baby when he went away — ■ 

216 



THE TOUNQ TRAMP. 

Those Bosting boys were plucky, wife, 
Yer know one of 'em saved my life, 
Else I would not be here to - day. 

'Twas when the " Black Horse Cavalcade " 
Swept down upon our small brigade 
I got the shot that made me lame, 
When down on me a trooper came, 
And this 'ere chap struck up his blade. 

Poor feller ! He was stricken dead ; 
The trooper's sabre cleaved his head. 
Joe Billings was my comrade's name ; 
He was a Bosting boy, and game ! 
I almost wished I'd died instead. 

Why, lad ! what makes yer tremble so ? ' 
Your father ! what, my comrade Joe ? 

219 



THE TOUNQ TRAMP. 



And you his son ? Come ter my heart ! 
My home is yours ; I'll try, in part, 
Ter pay his boy the debt I owe. 



220 



MOTHER'S DOUGHNUTS. 

El Dorado, 1851. 



IVe jest bin down ter Thompson's, boys, 

'N' feelin' kind o' blue, 
I thought I'd look in at "The Ranch," 

Ter find out what wuz new, 
When I seen this sign a-hangin' 

On a shanty by the lake: 
"Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts 

Like yer mother used ter make." 

I've seen a grizzly show his teeth; 

I've seen Kentucky Pete 
Draw out his shooter 'n' advise 

A " tenderfoot " ter treat ; 

221 



MOTHER'S DOUGHNUTS. 



But niithin' ever tuk me down, 
'N' made my benders shake, 

Like that sign about the doughnuts 
Like my mother used ter make. 



A sort o' mist shut out the ranch, 

'N' standin' thar instead 
I seen an old white farm-house, 

With its doors all painted red. 
A whiff came through the open door — 

Wuz I sleepin' or awake? 
The smell wuz that of doughnuts 

Like my mother used ter make. 

The bees wuz hummin' round the porch 

Whar honeysuckles grew ; 
A yellow dish of apple sass 

Wuz sittin' thar in view; 

222 



MOTHER'S DOUGHNUTS. 

'N' on the table by the stove 
An old-time "johnny-cake," 

'N' a platter full of doughnuts 
Like my mother used ter make. 

A patient form I seemed ter see, 

In tidy dress of black ; 
I almost thought I heard the words, 

"When will my boy come back ?" 
'N' then — the old sign creaked ; 

But now it wuz the boss who spake, 
" Here's whar yer gets yer doughnuts 

Like yer mother used ter make." 

Well, boys, that kind o' broke me up, 
'N' ez I've "struck pay gravel," 

I ruther think I'll pack my kit, 
Vamose the ranch, 'n' travel, 

225 



MOTHERS DOUGHNUTS. 

I'll make the old folks jul)ilant, 

'N', ef I don't mistake, 
I'll try some o' them doughnuts 

Like my mother used ter makeo 



226 



HE DIDNT UNDERSTAND. 



"Pkay how is your daughter, friend Scroggins? 

I hear that she had quite a fall 
While dancing the German, last evening, 

At Montague's recherche ball. 

"I'm sorry Miss Laura was injured, 

And hope that no serious harm 
Will ensue from the fall; I assure you 

Wife and I were quite filled with alarm. 

"Those dresses with trails are a nuisance; 

They didn't wear them in our day. 
No wonder that accidents happen 

With such things to get in one's way. 

227 



HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. 

"When we used to dance, my dear Scroggins, 
There were no such 'pullbacks' as these 

To mar our delight in the ' mazy,' 
And trip us, perchance, on our knees. 

"You could balance, and go down the centre, 

And dance the Virginia reel. 
Without walking half up a panier, 

With the bustle caught on to your heel. 

"Mrs. Grundy called over this morning, 
And said, with a smirk and grimace, 

That Laura, last night at the party, 
Was horribly banged round the face., 

"So I thought I'd come over and ask you 

If she was improving to-day. 
And if we could be of assistance 

In any conceivable way. 

228 



HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. 

"Mrs. Grundy said — " "Zounds, Mr. Jenkins, 

Just tell Mrs. G. to be hanged ! 
There's nothing the niatter with Laura ; 

'Twas her hair, not her face, that was ' banged.' " 



229 




EOLLER-SKATING. 



I]Sr irOXJR. A.CTS. 



ACT I. 

" Ho, ho !" said careless Willie Gates ; 
"Who couldn't learn on roller-skates?" 



230 



ROLLER ■ SEATING. 



ACT II. 



" Ah, ha !" said he, as on the floor 
He struck out boldly for the door. 



ACT III. 



"So, so!" observed the roller-skates, 
"We'll interview young William Gates." 




-zHy^- 



231 



ROLLER - SKA TINQ. 



ACT IV. 



"Oh! Oo-o-o!" said Willie, meek and humble, 
" I thought 'twas eas}^ ; now I ' tumbled " 



2."] 2 



THANKSGIYI^^G. 



Within a garret, cold and forlorn, 

A group is gathered Thanksgiving morn: 

Father and mother, with children three — 
One but a babe on the mother's knee. 

Haggard and pale is the father's face, 
Where lingering sickness has left its trace ; 

While the careworn look on the mother's brow 
Tells of the sorrow upon her now. 

233 



THANK8GIVIN0. 

Hungry and faint from the lack of food, 
With scanty clothing, no coal nor wood; 

A broken table, a bare pine floor — 
What have they to be thankful for? 

Thoughts like these to the parents come, 
While sitting here in their cheerless home. 

The children, nestled upon the bed, 

A fragment of carpet over them spread, 

Are blind to their parents' mute despair; 
And the little girl, with a pitying air, 

Says, " What do pooi' children do, I wonder. 
With no warm carpet to cuddle under; 

234 



THANKSGIVING. 

"No papa and mamma to give 'em bread, 
And tuck 'em up when they go to bed ?" 

Tear-drops start from the father's eyes; 
Prayers from the mother's lips arise. 

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ 

Footsteps fall on the creaking floor; 

A knock is heard on the chamber door. 

A bluff " Good-morning " their query brings, 
And, " Sambo, you rascal, fetch up the things !" 

While the squire's darkey, with cheerful grin, 
Food and clothing brings quickly in. 

" Lord bless you, ma'am ! why, who'd a knowed 
That folks lived up in this 'ere abode? 

237 



THANKSOIVINQ. 

" 'Tain't fit for a barn, 'n', ez Fm a sinner, 
I'll take you all to my house to dinner. 

"I'll find you work when you're strong and well, 
'N' a better place than this 'ere to dwell — " 

And the squire paused, while a tear arose, 
And dropped unseen on his ruby nose. 

As the baby boy, with a happy look, 
A rosy apple from Sambo took. 

And the children gathered, with hungry eyes, 
'Round the platter of doughnuts and pumpkin 
pies ; 

While the grateful mother could only say, 
•' Truly, this is Thanksgiving Day !" 



238 



THE BUTCHER'S COURTSHIP. 



" Oh, my Mary Ann," he side, 

" Will you be my loving bride ? 
I cannot liver 'nother day without you. 

Your bright smile lights up my heart, 

Whisper yes, bee fore we part, 
And the tenderlines of love I'll cast about you !" 

Then the rascal, growing bolder. 

Drew her head upon his shoulder, 
While the ribbones on her bonnet fluttered free, 

And fore -quarter of an hour 

They reclined within the bower. 
And she promised him she ever true would be. 

241 



THE BUTCHER'S COURTSHIP. 

"Now," says he, "I must be goin' — ■ 

Don't you hear the cattle loin? 
I can tarry here no longer, love, to-day; 

You can steak a silver dollar 

I shall be a steady caller; 
Keep your pluck and spirits up while I'm away !" 



Then he turned to cross a mead 
Where the horned cattle feed, 

And wasn't paying very much attention 
To the gender of the herd. 
When there suddenly occurred 

An accident he fain would never mention. 



He chanced to look a round. 
When towards him, with a bound, 
Came their masculine protector o'er the lea; 

242 



THE BUTCHER'S C0UET8HIP. 

And so brisket seemed to him 
That his chance was rather slim 
To flank him, or to even shin a tree. 

He was bull dosed, so to speak, 

Sorely rumpled, cowed and weak, 
And will steer hereafter clear from bulls and cows. 

The tail, alas ! is sad ; 

Would'st shun a bull that's mad ? 
Then beware the quick contraction of his browse ! 



243 



MY INFUNDIBULIFORM HAT. 



The scenes of my childhood, how oft I recall ! 
The sports of my youth, with my kite, top, and 

ball; 
And that happy day when, with spirits elate, 
I took my first step towards manhood's estate, 
With a new coat and vest, bosom shirt and cra- 
vat. 
And debut with my infundibuliform hat. 

How I stooped beneath awnings full seven feet 

high. 
To the no small delight of my friends passing 

by; 

244 



MY INFUNDIBULIFOBM HAT. 

And the sport that I made for the boys at the 

store 
When I "chalked" at the height of my "tile" 

on the door; 
One foot and two inches — I think it was that — 
My guess on that infundibuliform hat. 




245 



MY INFUNDIBULIFORM HAT. 




Then my maideu attempt as a maiden's gallant 
When I proffered my elbow, with glances aslant ; 
And the walk to her dwelling that evening so 

fair, 
Not to speak of the ttte-a-tete when we got 

there, 

246 



MY INFUNDIBULIFORM HAT. 

The forfeit I claimed, as together we sat, 
When she tried on my infundibuliform hat. 

*J(, J{. J/, 4t J£. •!£. 

•T^ "tI* "TI* ■tS' -K* •JP 

Well ! boys will be boys, and we men, after all, 
Would gladly be freed from Time's pitiless thrall, 
And live those days over, when, single and free — 
Zounds ! wife's looking over my shoulder to see 
What I have been writing. . . . Well, we've had 

a spat, 
And she smashed my infundibuliform hat. 



247 



THE LITTLE CONQUEROR. 



""TwAs midniglit; not a sound was heard 
Within the'"— "Papa! won't 'ou 'ook 

An' see my pooty 'ittle house? 

I wis' 'ou wouldn't wead 'ou book" — 

" ' Within the palace, where the king 
Upon his couch in anguish lay'" — • 

"Papa! Pa-^x/j/ I wis' 'ou'd turn 
An' have a 'ittle tonty play " — 

" ' No gentle hand was there to bring 
The cooling draught, or bathe his brow; 

His courtiers and his pages gone ' " — 
"Turn, papa, turn; I want 'ou noiv'''* — 

248 



THE LITTLE CONQUEROR. 

Down goes the book with needless force, 
And, with expression far from mild, 

With sullen air and clouded brow, 
I seat myself beside the child. 

Her little trusting eyes of blue 

With mute surprise gaze in my face, 

As if in its expression stern 

Reproof and censure she could trace. 

Anon her little bosom heaves. 

Her rosy lips begin to curl ; 
And with a quivering chin she sobs, 

"Papa don't 'uv' his 'ittle dirl !" 

King, palace, book — all are forgot ; 

My arms are 'round my darling thrown 
The thunder-cloud has burst, and lo ! 

Tears fall and mingle with her own. 

251 



MINE KATRINE. 



You voultln't dink Diine frau- 
If you shust look at her now, 
Vhere der wrinkles on her prow 

Long haf been, 
Vas der frdulein blump und fair, 
Mit der wafy flaxen hair, 
Who did vonce mine heart enshnare- 

Mine Katrine. 

Der dime seems shord to me 
Since ve game acrosd der sea, 
To der gountry off der free 
Ve'd neffer seen ; 

252 



MINE KATBINE. 



Bud ve bear der beople say 
Dhere vas vork und blendy bay, 
So I shtarted righdt avay 
Mit Katrine. 



Oh, der shoy dot filled mine house 
Vhen dot goot oldt Toctor Krauss 
Brought us "Leedle Yawcob Strauss," 

Shveet und clean ; 
Vhy, I don'd pelief mine eyes 
Vhen I look, now, mit surbrise, 
On dot feller, shust der size 

Off Katrine! 



Den " dot leedle babe oif mine," 
He vas grown so tall und fine — 
Shust so sdrait as any pine 
You effer seen, 

253 



MINE KATRINE 

Und der beoples all agree 
Sooch fine poys dhey nejffer see. 
(Dhey looks mucli more like me 
As Katrine.) 

Veil, ve haf our criefs und shoys, 
Und dhere's naught our lofe destroys, 
Budt I miss dhose leedle poys 

Dot used to been ; 
Und der tears vill somedime sdart, 
Und I feels so sick at heart, 
Vhen I dinks I soon must part 

From Katrine. 



Oldt Time vill soon pe here, 
Mit his sickle und his shpear, 
Und vill vhisper in mine ear 
Mit sober mien: 

254 



MINE KATRINE. 

"You must coom along mit me, 
For id vas der Lord's decree ; 
Und von day dhose poys you'll see 
Und Katrine." 



255 




YAWCOB'S DEIBULATIONS. 



Maybe dot you don'd rememper, 

Eighdeen — dwendy years ago, 
How I dold aboudt mine Yawcob — 

Dot young rashliell, don'd you know, 
Who got schicken-box und measles; 

Filled mine bipe mit Limburg scheeze; 
Cut mine cane up indo dhrum-schticks, 

Und blay all sooch dricks as dhese. 

256 



YAWCOBS DRIBULATIONS. 

Veil! dhose times dhey vas been ofer, 

Und dot son off mine, py shings! 
Xow vas taller as hees fader, 

Und vas oup to all sooch dhings 
Like shimnastic dricks nnd pase-pall; 

Und der oder day he say 
Dot he boxes mit " adthledics," 

Somevheres ofer on Back Bay. 




257 



TAWCOB'S DRIBULATIONS. 




Times vas deeferent, now, I dold you, 

As vhen he vas been a lad; 
Dhen Katrine she make hees drowsers 

Vrom der oldt vones off hees dad; 
Dhey vas cut so full und baggy 

Dot id dook more as a fool 
To find oudt eef he vas going, 

Or vas coming home vrom school. 

258 



TAWCOB'S DRIBULATION&. 

]S^ow, dhere vas no making ofer 

Off mine clothes to make a suit 
For dot poy — der times vas schanged; 

"Der leg vas on der oder boot;" 
For vhen hees drowsers dhey gets dhin, 

Und sort off "schlazy" roundt der knee, 
Dot Mrs. Strauss she dake der sceessors 

Und she cuts dhem down for me. 




259 



YAWCOB'S DRIBULATIONS. 




Shust der oder day dot Yawcob 

Gife me von elecdric shock, 
Vhen he say he vants fife-hundord 

To invesht in railroadt schtock. 
Dhen I dell him id vas beddher 

Dot he leaf der schtocks alone, 
Or some feller dot vas schmardter 

Dake der meat und leaf der bone. 

260 



TA WCOB'S DRIB ULA TIONS. 



Und vhen I vas got oxcited, 

Und say he get "schwiped" und fooled, 
Dhen he say he haf a "pointer" 

Vrom soom friendts off Sage und Gould; 
Und dot he vas on "rock bottom;" 

Had der "inside track" on "Atch " 

Dot vas too mooch for hees fader, 

Und I coom oup to der scratch. 




261 



¥A WCOB'S DRIB ULA TIONS. 




Dhen in bolitics he dabbles, 

Und all qvesdions, great und schmall, 
Make no deeferent to dot Yawcob- — 

For dot poy he knows id all. 
Und he say dot dhose oldt fogies 

Must be laid onp on der shelf, 
Und der governors und mayors 

Should pe young men — like himself. 

262 



FA WCOB' S DRIB ULA TIONS. 

Yell! I vish I vas dransborted 

To dhose days off long ago, 
Yhen dot schafer beat der milk-ban 

Und schkydoodled droo der schnow. 
I could schtand der mumbs iind measles, 

Und der ruckshuns in der house; 
Budt mine presendt dribulations 

Yas too mooch for Meester Strauss. 



263 




VAS MAEEIA6E A FAILURE? 



Vas marriage a failure? Yell, now, dot depends 
Altogeddher on how you look at it, mine friends. 
Like dhose double-horse teams dot you see at 

der races, 
It depends pooty much on der pair in der traces; 
Eef dhey don'd pool togeddher righdt off at der 

shtart, 
Ten dimes oudt off nine dhey vas beddher apart. 



264 



VAS MARRIAGE A FAILURE? 

Vas marriage a failure? Der vote vas in doubt; 
Dhose dot's oudt vould be in, dhose dot's in 

vould be oudt : 
Der man mit oxberience, good looks und dash, 
Gets a vife mit some fife hundord dousand in 

cash, 
Budt, after der honeymoon, vhere vas der honey? 
She haf der oxberience — lie haf der money. 




265 



VAS MARRIAGE A FAILURE* 




Yas marriage a failure? Eef dot vas der case, 
Yot vas to pecome off der whole human race? 
Vol you dink dot der oldt "Pilgrim faders" 

vould say, 
Who came in dot Sunflower to oldt Plymouth 

Bay, 
To see der fine coundtry dis peoples haf got, 
Und dhen hear dhem ask sooch conondhrums 

as dot? 

266 



VAS MARRIAGE A FAILURE? 

Vas marriage a failure ? Shust go, ere you tell, 

To dot Bunker Moii Hillument, vhere Varren 
fell; 

Dink off Yashington, Franklin, und "Honest 
Old Abe" — 

Dhey vas all been aroundt since dot first Ply- 
mouth babe. 

I vas only a Deutscher, budt I tells you vot ! 

I pelief , every dime, in sooch " failures " as dot. 




267 



VAS MARRIAGE A FAILURE? 

Vas marriage a failure? I ask mine Katrine, 
Unci she look off me so dot I feels pooty mean. 
Dhen she say: "Meester Strauss, shust come 

here eef you blease," 
Unci she take me vhere Yawcob und leedle 

Loweeze 
By dheir shnug trundle-bed vas shust saying 

dheir prayer, 
Und she say, mit some pride : " Dhere vas no 

failures dhere ! " 




2m 




DEE COMING MAN. 



I VANT some invormashun, shust so qvickly vot 

I can, 
How I shall pring mine Yawcob onp to been der 

coming man, 
For efery day id seem to me der brosbect look 

der harder 
To make dot coming man imbrove ubon dot going 

fader. 
'Tvas beddher he vas more like me, a Deutscher 

blain und rude, 
As to been abofe hees peesnis und grown oup to 

been a dude. 

269 



DER COMING MAN. 

I don'd oxshbect dot poy off mine a "Vashington 

to be, 
Und schop mit hadchets all aroundt ubon mine 

abbledree, 
So he can let der coundtry know he schmardter 

vas as I, 
Und got scheap adverdising dot he don'd could 

dell a lie : 
Mine Yawcob lets der drees alone undil der fruit 

dhey bear, 
Und dhen dot feller he looks oudt und gets der 

lion's share. 




270 



DEB COMING MAN. 



'^ 



-«;^v(fVy- 




Some say 'tvas beddher dot you teach der young 

ideas to shoot ; 
Yell, I dink dis aboudt id : dot advice id vas no 

goot! 
Dot poy vonce dook hees broder oudt und dhey 

blay Yilliam Tell, 
Budt Yawcob vas no shooter — he don'd do id 

pooty veil ; 
Dot arrow don'd go droo der core, budt id vent 

pooty near — 
Shust near enough to miss id und go droo hees 

broder's ear. 

271 



DER COMING MAN. 

He dravels mit hees buysickle in efery Mud off 

vedder, 
-Und dough he vas a demperance poy, somedimes 

he dakes a "header": 
I don'd know shust oxactly vot dot vas — 'tis vorse 

as bier — 
Shust hke he shtrike a cyglone und valk righdt 

off on his ear ! 
I ask von time aboudt id, budt dot poy he only 

grumble, 
Und say I beddher try id vonce, dhen maybe I 

vould "tumble." 




272 



DER COMIXG MAN. 




Dot Yawcob. says dot ve vas boor, und he vants 

to be richer, 
Und dot der coming man must been a virsd-glass 

pase-pall pitcher ; 
He say he must be "shtriking oudt" und try und 

"make a hit," 
Und dells me I vas "off mine pase" vhen I makes 

fun off it ; 
Vhen I say he soon must baddle hees canoe "oudt 

on der schwim," 
He say dot von off Hanlan's shells vas goot 



enough for him. 



273 



DER COMING 3IAN. 



Dot Shakesbeer say aboudt der son dot's brofligate 

iind vild : 
"How sharper as a serpent's thanks vas been der 

toothless shild ! " 
(I got dot leedle dwisted; I mean dot thankless 

youth 
He cuts hees poor oldt fader more as a serpent's 

tooth. ) 
Und dhen der broverb dells us dot der shild he 

must obey, 
Und dot eef you should shpare der rod you shpoil 

hhn righdt avay. 




274 



DER COMING 3IAN. 




Veil, Yawcob he vas pooty goot — I guess I don'd 

gomblain, 
I somedimes vish, mineself, dot I vas been a poy 

again. 
I lets him blay mit pase-pall, und dake headers 

vhile he can. 
I prings him oiip mit kindness, und I risk der 

coming man. 
Let neighbor Pfeiffer use der shtick, vhile Otto 

howls und dances ; 
I'll shpoil der rod und shpare der shild, I dink, 

und dake der shances. 

275 



"NO SHILDEEN IN DER HOUSE." 



Vagation dime vas coom again, 

Vhen dhere vas no more shgool; 
I goes to boardt, der coundtrj oudt, 

Yhere id vas nice und cool. 
I dakes Katrina und Loweeze, 

Und leedle Yawcob Strauss 5 
Budt at der boarding-house dhey dakes 

"No shildren in der house.'' 

I dells you vot! Some grass don'd grow 

Under old Yawcob's feet 
Undil ve gets a gouple-a-miles 

Or so vay down der shtreet. 

276 



''NO SHILDREN IiY DER HOUSE." 

I foundt ondt all I vanted — 

For de resd I don'd vould care — 

Dot boarding-blace vas nix for me 
Yhen dhere been no shildren dhere. 

Vot vas der hammocks, und der shvings, 

Grokay, und dings like dhese, 
Und der hoogleperry bicnics, 

Mitoudt Yawcob und Loweeze? 
It vas von shdrange conondhrum, 

Dot vas too mooch for Strauss, 
How all dhose beople shtandt id 

Mit no shildren in der house. 



"Oh, vot vas all dot eardthly bliss, 
Und vot vas man's soocksess; 

Und vot vas various kindt off dings, 
Und vot vas habbiness?" 

279 



''NO SHILDREN IN DER HOUSE." 

Dot's vot Hans Breitmann ask, von dime- 

Dhey all vas embty soundt! 
Dot eardthly bliss vas nodings 

Vhen dhere vas no shildren roundt. 



* * 



Yhen "man's soocksess," down here pelow, 

Und "eardthly bliss" vas past, 
Und in dot beddher blace abofe 

Ye seek a home at last ; 
Oh, may dhose "Gates off Paradise" 

Shving open far und vide, 
Und ve see dhose "Heafenly mansions" 

Mit der shildren all inside. 



280 




HE GETS DHERE SHUST DER SAME! 



Oldt ^sop wrote a fable, voiice, 

Aboudt a boasting hare 
Who say : "Vhen dhere vas racing 

You can alvays find me dhere!" 
Und how a tortoise raced mit him, 

Und shtopped hees leedle game, 
Und say : '^Eef I don'd been so shpry, 

I gets dhere shust der same!" 



281 



HE GETS DHERE SHUST DER SAME! 

Dot vas del* cases eferyvhere; 

In bolidics und trade, 
By bersbiration off der brow 

Vas how soocksess vas made. 
A man may somedime "shdrike id rich," 

Und get renown und fame, 
Budt dot bersbiration feller, too. 

He gets dhere shust der same. 

Der girl dot makes goot beeskits, 

Und can vash und iron dings, 
Maybe don'd been so lofely 

As dot girl mit dimondt rings; 
Budt vhen a vlfe vas vanted 

Who vas id dot's to blame 
Eef dot girl mitoudt der shewels 

Should get dhere shust der same? 

Dot schap dot leafes hees peesnis, 
Und hangs roundt "Bucket Shops," 

282 



HE GETS DIIERE SHUST DER SAME! 

To make den tollars oiidt off von, 
Vhen grain und oil shtock drops ; 

May go avay vrom dhere, somedimes, 
Mooch poorer as he came. 

"Der mills off God grind shlowly" — 
Budt dhey get dhere shust der same. 

Dhen neffer mindt dhose mushroom schaps 

Dot shpring oup in a day; 
Dhose repudations dhey vas made 

By vork, und not by blay. 
Shust poot your shoulder to der vheel, 

Eef you vould vin a name, 
Und eef der Vhite House needs you — 

You vill get dhere shust der same. 



283 




DOT LONG-HANDLED DIPPER. 



Der boet may sing off " Der Oldt Oaken 
Bookit," 
Und in schveetest langvitch its virtues may tell, 
Und how, vhen a poy, he mit eggsdasy dook it, 
Yhen dripping mit coolness it rose vrom der 
veil. 
I don'd take some schtock in dot manner off 
trinking ! 
It vas too mooch like horses und cattle, I dink. 
Dhere vas more sadisfactions, in my vay of 
dinking, 
Mit dot long-handled dipper, dot hangs py der 
sink. 

284 



DOT LONG-HANDLED DIPPER. 

^^How schveet vrom der green mossy brim to 
receive it" — 
Dot vould soundt pooty goot — eef it only vas 
true — 
Der vater schbills ofer, you petter pelieve it! 
Und runs down your schleeve, und schlops 
indo your shoe. 
Dhen down on your nose comes dot oldt iron 
handle, 




285 



DOT LONG-HANDLED DIPPER. 

Und makes your eyes vater so gvick as a vink. 
I dells you dot bookit it don'd hold a candle 
To dot long-handled dipper, dot hangs py der 
sink. 

How nice it musd been in der rough vinter 
veddher, 

When it settles righdt down to a coldt, freezing 
rain, 
To haf dot rope coom oup so light as a feddher, 

Und find dot der bookit vas proke off der chain 
Dhen down in der veil mit a pole you go fishing, 




286 



DOT LONG-HANDLED DIPPER. 

Vhile indo your back cooms an oldt-fashioned 
kink ; 
I pet you mine life all der time you vas vishing 
For dot long-handled dipper, dot hangs py der 
sink. 




How handy it vas schust to turn on der faucet, 
Yhere der vater flows down vrom der schpring 
on der hill ! 

I schust vas der schap dot vill always indorse it, 
Oxsbecially nighdts vhen der veddher vas chill. 

287 



DOT LONG-HANDLED DIPPER. 

"Vhen Pfeiffer's oldt veil mit der schnow vas all 
cofered, 
Und he vades droo der schnow-drif t to get him 
a trink, 




I schlips vrom der hearth, vhere der schiltren 
vas hofered, 
To dot long-handled dipper, dot hangs py der 
sink. 



288 



DOT LONG-HANDLED DIPPER. 

Dhen gife oup der bookits und pails to der horses, 
Off mikerobes und tadpoles schust gife dhem 
dheir fill ! 
Gife me dot pure water dot all der time courses 
Droo dhose pipes dot run down vrom der 
schpring on der hill. 
Und eef der goot dings off dis vorld I gets rich in 
Und frendts all aroundt me dheir glasses schall 
clink, 
I schtill vill remember dot oldt country kitchen, 
Und dot long-handled dipper, dot hangs py der 
sink. 



289 



THE TELL-TALE MIEEOE. 



She was sitting in the office of her husband's 

down town store, 
And waiting for his coming, as she oft had done 

before, 
When in a handglass on his desk, — Jerusha! she 

was mad — 
She saw these lines reflected, from a brand-new 

blotting pad: 



290 



THE TELL-TALE ^IIRROR. 



V^ c^oJ^S" 3-M^oV Nj"^ 

This was the way the letter ran, 
and ended much hke this: 



^ ^xV^-Ni^ .^\Vr^ j?^32^ ..v,^'^ w.«W^ 



293 



THE TELL-TALE MIRROR. 

Should any reader wish to know what made his 

wife so mad, 
A]id what those brief reflections were, upon that 

blotting pad; 
And why a suit for a divorce was quickly brought 

about — 
Hold this before your looking-glass and you will 

soon find out. 



294 




HE TOOK A HEADEE. 



They met in a field, 'mid the blooming heather; 
A punster, a ram and an old bell-wether. 

No cry of alarm did the young man utter, 
He simply murmured : "I'll pass the butter." 

297 



HE TOOK A HEADER. 



"And I'll butt the passer," observed the ram, 
"I ain't any Mary's little lamb." 




" ^That tired feeling' I'll o'er him bring, 
So often caused by 'a forward spring.' 



298 



HE TOOK A HEADER. 



"I'll give him 'a header' he will not like." 
And he ^'cast sheep's eyes" at the youth and bike. 




(W-h-i-8-h- ! r-r-r- !-!-!) 

Sheep, bike and punster lay mingled together; 
The youth was "a little under the wether." 

299 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 



Some running rhymes, neither profound nor wise. 
To swell this book to a convenient size. 



CRYPTOGAMIC. 

Augustus and Nelly were walking 

Through the meadow, one bright sunaraer day. 
And merrily laughing and talking, 

When some toadstools they saw by the way. 
" Do the toads really use these to sit on ?" 

Said Nelly — " now don't make a pun, Gus, 
If you do, like the subject we've hit on, 

I'll deem it the meanest of fun • Gus." 

300 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

PENNY WISE. 
" Can you tell me," said a punster 

Who had in our sanctum popped, 
And upon the floor was seeking 

For a penny he had dropped — 

" Can you tell me why, at present, 
I am like Noah's weary dove ?" 

And he glanced with inward tremor 
Towards a gun that hung above. 

" Would'st thou know ?" he queried, blandly, 

As he dodged the cudgel stout 
Which we shied at him in anger — ■ 

" 'Tis because I'm one cent out." 

ADVICE FOR THE NEW YEAR. 
ScHPEND someding less as vot you earns ; 

Pay all der notes vhen dhey comes due ; 
Don'd you forget von half you learns, 

Nor bite off dwice vot you can chew. 

301 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 



A FLOORER. 



Says Pat to his girl, " Be the Powers, 
A conondhrum I hev fur ye, dear ! 

Why are ye like the goddess of flowers? 
Sure ye iiivir will guess it, I fear ! 

"The ansor I'll be afther givin' : 

Now thin, d'ye mind, me swate Nora ? 

It's two shtories high ye are livin'. 
That makes ye a rale second Flora !" 



GOING THROUGH THE RYE. 

Says the Captain to Pat, 

" Come, I'll have none o' that !" 

As Paddy of whiskey was drinking his fill. 
With a satisfied sigh, 
As he finished the " rye," 

Says Paddy, " Be Jabers, I don't thick ye will !" 

302 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

ALL IN HIS EYE. 

He jumped on board the railway train, 
And cried, " Farewell ! Liicinda Jane, 

My precious, sweet Luciuda !" 
Alas ! how soon he changed his cry. 
And, while the tear stood in his eye. 

He said, " Confound Loose Cinder !" 

FALL POETRY. 
A CERTAIN" young woman, named Hannah, 
Slipped down on a piece of banana ; 

She shrieked, and oh - my'd ! 

And more stars she spied 
Than belongs to the star - spangled banner, 

A gentleman sprang to assist her. 

And picked up her muff and her wrister. 

" Did you fall, ma'am ?" he cried ; 

" Do you think," she replied, 
" I sat down for the fun of it. Mister ?" 

303 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

EARLY RISING. 

"... Rise with the lark, 
And with the lark to bed — " 

Why for a pattern choose the lark — 

Rise in the morn while yet 'tis dark, 
And with the early bird to bed repair? 

Why not take bruin for example? 

Of promptness, pray, what better sample ? 
'Tis said there's nothing s'urly as a bear. 



TIME'S CHANGES. 

'TwAs in Arabia's sunny land 

He wooed his bonny bride ; 
His umber Ella, rain or shine, 

Was ever by his side ; 
But now he does not Kaffir her. 

No love tale does he tell her; 
He'd fain Bedouin something else — 

Alas ! poor Arab - Ella. 

804 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

THE BACHELOR'S CONSOLATION. 

Oh, dear ! this gout and rbeumatiz, 

I fear I shall go wild ! 
But though I am a bachelor, 

And have no chick nor child, 
I know that when I am no more — 

Let folks say what they please — 
Although I have no kith nor kin, 

I'll have my leg - at - ees. 

PAT'S LOGIC. 

"The greatest burd to foight," says Pat, 
" Barring the agle, is the duck ; 

He has a foine large bill to peck, 
And plinty of rale Irish pluck. 

"And, thin, d'ye moind the fut he has? 

Full as broad over as a cup ; 
Show me the fowl upon two ligs 

That's able fer to thrip him up !" 

305 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

HOME MEMORIES. 

*' Be it ever so humble, 
There's no place like home !" 

I'm sitting again 'neath the old elm - tree's shade, 
And viewing the fields where in childhood I 

strayed ; 
The breeze fans my cheek, and the birds go and 

come. 
While I listen, entranced, to the bee's soothing hum. 

Hum, hum — sweet, sweet hum ! 

Tho' it ever so humble - bee — 

— ! ! — I n * * * He's stung me I vum ! 

COUNTRY SOUNDS. 
The humming of the bees, 
Wafted on the scented breeze. 

And the robin's tender notes are very fine; 
But sweeter, far, to me 
Than the humming of the bee 

Is the melting tender loin' of the kine. 

306 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 

THE LOVER'S LAMENT. 

" 'Im sitting on this tile, Mary," 

He said, in accents sad, 
Removing from the rocking - chair 

The best silk hat he had ; 
And while he viewed the shapeless mass. 

That erst was trim and neat, 
He murmured, " Would it had been felt 

Before I took my seat !" 



ALMOST AN ARGONAUT. 

'Twus in the fall of 'forty - nine 

The gold fever broke out, 
'N' I'd hev been a pioneer 

Without the slightest doubt, 
But Molly, here, took on 'n' said, 

" Ar go naut, dearest Joe !" 
I thought I'd argy not with her, 
So, boys, I didn't go. 

30'J 



VEBSIFIED PUNS. 



WHAT'S HONOR. 



Ask not the soldier in the battle's van, 

Nor yet the statesman, uncornipt as gold, 
But her beneath your own roof- tree, who can, 

And will most willingly, to you unfold 
The secret. Bid her mark your neighbor's wife 

When she her ample wardrobe seeks, to don her 
Fine garments; when she reappears, my life 

I'll stake, your better half can tell what's on her. 



CASABIANCA. 

The boy stewed on the burning deck, 

Whence all but him had fled ; 
And when they shouted, " Leave the wreck !" 

He turned and hotly said, 
"I'm goin' down with this 'ere ship— > 

Hulk, mast, jib-boom, and spanker; 
And when I've made my briny trip, 

You'll find Casa ■ by - anchor." 

310 



VERSIFIED PUNS. 



SHARP SHOOTING. 



" I'm an archer, dear, no longer," 
Said a maiden fair and bright 

To her beau, with lip a - quiver — • 
"Webster says, ' Toxophilite.'" 

Then she gave her beau a narrow. 
Searching glance, with pert grimace, 

While he thought his love was archer 
Than Diana in the chase. 

" William Tell me how you like it ;" 
" Well enough," replied the wight ; 

"It is true, among the archers, 
Oftentimes, talk's awful light." 



THE END. 



311 



^^l U 1910 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



